United States Basketball Is Going Scorched Earth in the Rio Olympics

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The 2016 Olympics are underway in Rio, and despite human body parts washing up on beaches, athletes competing in virtual human waste, and kayakers capsizing on submerged sofas in the river, the games have been pretty good.

As usual, the United States is asserting itself as the world’s athletic juggernaut, winning 12 medals so far. Italy and China are both in hot pursuit with eight medals each. The first medal of the games went to the United States for shooting. How fitting – but, just when I figure things couldn’t be more appropriate, the U.S. drops basketball scores like:

Men: 119-62 over China
Women: 121-56 over Senegal
Women: 103-63 over Spain

Talk about dropping a freaking hammer. This is exactly how America should be displayed at the world stage. This is a scorched Earth, hellfire in brimstone, “fuck you for even existing” level of dominance.

And, really, that’s the way I like to compete. I’m no professional athlete, but on rare occasion, I’ll get someone cornered on the ping pong table and drop ’em 21-2 or something. It’s so gratifying – you know, when you feel like you’ve eaten a part of your opponent’s soul? Or, if you’re Mike Tyson, your opponent’s children…

That’s what competing is all about – not sportsmanship, building relationships, learning how to combat adversity, and figuring yourself and your life out. Nope – it’s about making someone feel stupid for even trying.

It’s like that one time I competed in a tournament, and beat some guy 11-0, 11-0. My boy RHog looked at me after the game and said, “Man – Stones, you made that guy regret ever picking up a ping pong paddle.”

That’s what feels good. Trophies, championships, influence, wealth – it all pales in comparison to eviscerating someone’s sense of enjoyment. I don’t want someone wondering why they decided to play me. I want them to wonder if there’s any good in the world after we play. I want them asking if anything in the universe even matters.

So, part of me feels sorry for these pour souls from Senegal, China, and Spain. I wouldn’t want to be on that side of this equation. It has to feel like laying your head in a guillotine.

Then, there’s another part of me that absolutely hates this run of dominance. It’s incredibly boring to watch blowout after blowout at what is supposed to be the premiere world competition. Give me a break. These aren’t even the greatest players that the United States has to offer!

It’s not like LeBron James and Steph Curry are lining up and burying people. The United States is so far ahead of the rest of the world in basketball that it’s made this entire tournament trivial and pointless.

So, why do they even play basketball in the Olympics? So the NBA players can roll up in their private cruise ship and show those struggling swimmers and archers, who are working day jobs to support their passion, who the real rock stars are?

I probably won’t watch a single minute of Olympic basketball this year. I’m sticking with my handball, table tennis, field hockey, and rugby.

Now, should someone upset either American team, mark my words – that shit is going to be bigger than the Miracle on Ice.

Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley,@PFSpot@WrestlingNewsCo

Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork

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