Is Lane Kiffin the Benjamin Button of College Football?

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Lane Kiffin is somewhat of a fire starter. I think it’s safe to say that. Now, I’m beginning to think that the same voodoo magic that landed Jeff Fisher a contract extension just one week before he was fired may be at play here with Kiffin taking the head coaching job at Florida Atlantic University.

(Side note: Fisher did say on HBO’s Hard Knocks that he was tired of 8-8, 7-9 bullshit. He must feel relieved to know that he nor the Rams he coached will have to worry about 8-8 or 7-9 bullshit any longer)

That’s scary, though – I am legitimately afraid of magic. I don’t like the idea of people selling their souls to achieve greatness. Just work really hard like the rest of us, y’know? No need for evil spirits roaming the Earth. If you’re good at what you do, you’ll eventually get there. If not, you can still get a nice job selling newspapers on street corners. Do you really want to risk it?

I can’t exactly pinpoint what Kiffin has done…if he’s the victim of some ancient prophecy, if he’s sold his soul to coach football where the hottest coeds in America reside, or if he’s going to turn into a baby in twenty years time.

A lot of people hate Kiffin, and admittedly, I was one of those people after seeing poor old Al Davis, God rest his soul, call him a “SCUMBAG LYA!” I can remember thinking, “man – what an asshole. I hope he gets his ass kicked by a horse…in the face.” But, as time went on, some of the stories I’d hear or read about Kiffin began to fascinate me. He was rumored to have his own apartment in Knoxville to take the coeds back for some quality alone time (read: rub and tug). He was spotted in Tuscaloosa (where he became Nick Saban’s reclamation project), out huntin’ for snatch, and when someone asked him if he was Kiffin, he said he wasn’t. Instead, he said his name was Joey Freshwater. And so, the legend grew.

This guy was a real rock star. It was as if he had somehow conned the world into believing he could shit out a golden egg. He was spotted on numerous occasions signaling touchdowns that hadn’t even happened yet (more evidence of black magic). I mean, by all accounts, he’s a huge prick, but I just can’t stop rooting for the guy.

It’s so exciting to see what he’s going to do next. I probably lost years of my life from the excessive celebration that came from reading rumors of him bagging Saban’s daughter. Just awesome, quality stuff – you can’t make it up.

But, read his coaching trajectory to me. It’s mind-bottling. Oakland Raiders HC > Tennessee Volunteers HC > USC Trojans HC > Alabama Crimson Tide OC > Florida Atlantic HC.

Now, all you have to do is reverse that, and suddenly, you have the story of a young head coach, turning a small program around, and contending for a C-USA Championship. He eventually catches the eye of Saban at Alabama, and gets a gig learning the ropes and figuring out what it takes to be a head coach. Saban eventually puts in a good word for him, and he moves out West to coach the Trojans. After some success in the Pac-12, he finally earns his chance where the big boys play (and no, I’m not talking about 1990s WCW). He moves back East to coach the Volunteers, where he does such a good job, he starts drawing attention from the NFL. After several rebuilding seasons, the Oakland Raiders find their guy in Kiffin, and lure him out of the college ranks.

Several years ago, Brad Pitt made a documentary called The Life and Times of Benjamin Button’s Curious Birth. I could be mistaken, but I think that’s right. Anyway, it was about a human that was born an old man and grew backwards into a baby. Really interesting stuff, and to see it actually happening in the world makes me think that Kiffin has used some sort of spell to achieve this phenomenon in his coaching career.

I think I’m on to something here. My investigative journalism the past two weeks has been spot on. What does Kiffin have to gain by ending up as a baby? I don’t know. Maybe he just really wanted those glory years at the Oakland Raiders, and this is what the genie in the lamp offered him.

Needless to say, the fact that this sort of stuff is happening…..boy….I’m concerned about the state of football these days.

Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley@PFSpot@WrestlingNewsCo@Bama_Hammer

Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork

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