Every year, hundreds of NFL hopefuls parade about, jockeying for position, to impress a bunch of old dudes who are measuring how fast they can run, how high they can jump, how big their hands are, and who knows what else that isn’t made public.
Here at The SoBros Network, we. have. fun. We’re based out of Nashville, Tennessee, so I think we’re more than qualified to speak on what a Southern name truly sounds like. So, let’s have some fun.
Also, for all the PC police and SJWs (social justice warrior) out there, my analysis is purely made up and I am not taking aim at these guys personally. I am literally just projecting a character I’ve made up in my head onto a name. So, if you’re easily offended by that, it’s probably best you quit reading the SoBros Network.
Quick shout out to our former champions:
2014 – Crockett Gilmore
2016 – Vernon Hargreaves III
And, on to the list!
10. Josiah Price, TE, Michigan State – Our annual ‘Josiah’ drop. Price sounds like an old bandit just drifting town to town, saloon to saloon, trying to catch the next train to nowhere.
9. Hardy Nickerson, LB, Illinois – Our annual look at the good ol’ boy. I’m happy to see such a strong redneck party name pop up in this year’s draft class. Hardy Nickerson definitely has just a mustache, is the first one to the party, the first one to have his clothes off, and can clear out a case of beer and still not seem drunk.
8. Wayne Gallman, RB, Clemson – It may seem unspectacular, not particularly redneck, but this is a pristine Southern name. Can’t you just see a ‘Wayne Gallman Plumbing’ truck? Wayne Gallman is the blue collar, brings-his-lunch-pail to work type of man a lot of Southerners strive to be.
7. Dawuane Smoot, DE, Illinois – Outside of The Rock, I don’t know too many Dwaynes that aren’t at least a little redneck. But, Smoot here takes it a step further. I don’t know if it’s accurate or not, but I keep pronouncing this Do-wayne. So, it’s atypically slower – just like the South.
6. K.D. Cannon, WR, Baylor – I’ve said it before in this column, and I’m sure I’ll say it again. If you get uncommon initials for a first name, you’re up for immediate consideration to be on this list.
5. Fish Smithson, S, Kansas – You know why they call him Fish? ‘Cause can’t nobody this side of the Mississippi run a trotline like Fish Smithson. Or, you know – this is one of those classic tall tales people in the deep South tell…
“Well, back in 1952, little Jimmy Rivers fell down into the lake. He was kickin’ and screamin’ as somethin’ was trying to pull him underwater. Well, ol’ Ricky Smithson jumped right in. Didn’t waste a second, and when he got down to Jimmy, he realized it was about a 6-foot long, 500 pound catfish. He was able to pry Jimmy out of its mouth and gave it a good hard kick in the face. That catfish wasn’t the type to give up easy, though. Now, the sucker was thinking he had double the dinner. Ricky got Jimmy out of the water, but as he was trying get himself out, this monstrous catfish rose up out of the water. He opened his mouth to gobble up Ricky, but Ricky grabbed a nearby stick and wedged it in the catfish’s mouth so he couldn’t bite down. The catfish was angry, but he swam away. Ricky saved Jimmy, and everyone was safe and sound. From that day on, Ricky was known as Fish Smithson.”
4. George Kittle, TE, Iowa – I don’t know if I’m associating ‘Kittle’ with ‘cattle,’ or what, but ‘George Kittle’ just sounds like the type of man who is going to shake your hand in church on Sunday morning and wave at you from his front porch when you’re driving by. That’s ol’ kind-hearted, hard-working George Kittle.
3. Leonard Fournette, RB, LSU – Leonard Fournette is a bad, bad man. Make no mistake about it. But, the name itself is a classic Southern name. Leonard Fournette is the man who was All-State in high school, took care of daddy’s farm on the weekends, and grew up to be the town’s unofficial leader. When you need a hand, you go to Leonard Fournette. Respect.
2. Chunky Clements, DT, Illinois – Southerners have an affinity for taking non-flattering terms and sticking them to people as nicknames. Think, “dumpy” or “cooter,” if you will. Chunky fits the bill. Also, shout out to the University of Illinois for producing some fine redneck-sounding names this year.
1. Bucky Hodges, TE, Virginia Tech – This was so close to going to Chunky Clements, but ultimately, when it comes down to last names, Hodges is MUCH more Southern than Clements. I only bring this up because I was actually thinking if they swapped last names, ‘Chunky Hodges’ would’ve won the crown. I chuckled. Thought I’d share that. That is all.
So, there you have it – check us out in 2018 and we’ll do this whole thing all over again.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. A strong advocate of GSD (get shit done) and #BeBetter, he’s down to talk Tennessee Titans and Alabama Crimson Tide football over a beer any day. Check him out covering the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @WrestlingNewsCo
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