This week, in a wildly unexpected twist, Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Leaving quite a wake, the White House was quick to denote Kid Rock as Interim Director. The question remains, who will be the permanent replacement?
As experts in damn near everything, we decided to form a search committee to nominate his replacement. We were fortunate to be granted access to a candidate pool consisting of the entire known universe, past present, and fictional, allowing us to feel very confident in our selection.
#10 – Velma Dinkley
Miss Dinkley is arguably the greatest detective of all time. Moreover, she leaves no stone unturned and considers every possible angle–despite almost every case culminating in the apprehension of the local Halloween fanatic with a flair for the dramatic.
Considering the current administration’s reputational stigma towards women, Velma Dinkley is a no-brainer– hiring her would be greatly symbolic in repairing gender relations with the White House.
Velma is quite practiced in leading investigations to expose greedy businessmen who wear thinly veiled masks and utilize public fear to orchestrate elaborate hoaxes so as to continue their underlying criminal activity. Who knows, maybe that could someday be relevant experience?
Pros:
- She’s basically Sherlock Holmes with a mechanical engineering degree
Cons:
- Tends to favor blonde doofuses
#9 – Boris Badenov
I know what you’re thinking; but no, Boris has no ties to any foreign governments. The rumors of his association to Mother Russia and Fearless Leader have been greatly exaggerated, and he has on good authority that there are no investigations into his dealings back home. In fact, he is not even from Russia–his home state of Pottsylvania is as American as apple pie. He has stated numerous times that even the former FBI Director assured him of that personally, like three or four times at least.
Aside from his resolute national pride and 100% not being a spy, Boris brings a lot of artillery to the table. He is an expert it arms and explosives, making him a top pick for us in an industry that I can only assume is similar to a James Bourne movie.
#8 – James Bourne
James Bourne, or as we in the south call him, “double ought seven”, is precisely the first name you think of when you hear the word, “agent”.
What more could we as a nation ask for than a certified badass who is willing to do what it takes to get the job done? After being in the field for seemingly forever, Jason Bond is well versed in the latest gadgetry to get you out of almost any situation. He’s quick on his feet, mentally agile, and smooth as silk when it comes to sweet talking a member of the opposite sex–as a matter of fact, are we sure this isn’t just James Comey’s field name?
If you ask me, it’s about time we got someone into power that knows what it’s like to be out there on the streets–and Jack Bond has a packed résumé to prove himself. In just the cases that have been de-classified, James Bauer has:
- Fatally buried Dr. Julius No under a pile of guano
- Reversed the polarity of Goldmember’s Preparation H Laser Beam
- Shot Hugo Drax with a fatal dart before ejecting him into space
- Killed Dr. Julius No again by leaving him to boil to death in a nuclear cooling vat
- Survived an assassination attempt by armed-with-a-dagger, top-assassin Jarda by whipping him with a rolled up magazine
Pros:
- Extremely versatile skillset, expert combatant, master of espionage
Cons:
- In all likelihood this promotion would be a master plan to make him the fall guy and we’d wind up with a nationwide action-packed manhunt that lasted around 96 minutes
#7 – Paula Deen
It’s no secret that nothing–and I mean nothing–could strike fear into the heart of a detainee as the cold, piercing stare of Paula Deen. But, did you know that she is an expert tactician?
Scene: North Korea, abandoned clock tower. Paula and her fleet are tied up as the North Korean commander stands above her, gloating as he chews softly while chastising how easily his men were able to overtake this stakeout. North Korean soldiers steadily confiscate the reconnaissance equipment aimed at their capital square. Suddenly, his men start coughing–it becomes steadily more violent until they turn blue and fall around his feet, blood draining from their lips. As he exhales in a deep, dry cough, crumbs spray past his thinly-haired lip. He collapses to his knees and his eyes struggle to meet Paula’s. With a smirk, she squeals giddily, “Y’ALL DIDN’T EXPECT NO POISON IN THEM BUTTERMILK BISCUITS I SET OUT NOW DIDJA?”
They never do.
#6 – Burt Maclin
Apparently, we’re not alone in this one. Ol’ Johnny Karate himself looks like he’s up to the challenge!
Just lemme know pic.twitter.com/KQEqH8aGrX
— chris pratt (@prattprattpratt) May 10, 2017
#5 – My Ex-Girlfriend
I swear to God I once saw this girl track down a girl named “Tiffany” after seeing the name pop up on her best friend’s boyfriend’s text messages, by memorizing the area code, finding friends of his on Facebook that lived in that region, and then searching through property tax records until she found it. She had everything about this girl committed to memory including her hairstylist’s operating hours.
All I’m saying is, the FBI might have access to the greatest technology in the world, but that doesn’t hold a candle to the crazy-brain of jealousy.
Pros:
- At her full potential, her deductive skills match those of Sherlock Holmes on Ritalin
Cons:
- Good luck waking her up before noon
- Nag, nag, nag
- NOTHING’S EVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU IS IT CAROL?!
#4 – Simon Rex
Some of you may know Simon by his moniker Dirt Nasty–the salacious rapper from Hollywood with a palatial penchant for exceeding his ceiling. There’s not really much of a joke here, the guy is just inhumanly (and, quite frankly unbelievably) successful at everything he attempts, and we just legitimately feel that he’d do a great job.
It doesn’t hurt his case that he’d likely offer jobs to his inner circle of friends, giving us an onslaught of federal agents such as Andy Milonakus, Riff Raff, and Beardo. And, in especially troublesome times, he could call in his enforcer, Mickey Avalon.
Pros:
- I really want to see special agentRiff Raff
- I’d love to see him go toe-to-toe with other government officials on Battle App
Cons:
- He’s indefinitely on retainer for when they want to film Scary Movie 9
#3 – Fox Mulder
Never before in history has our nation been so engrossed by a good conspiracy theory. I know that they are toying with the idea of bringing back X-Files for a their next final season, but I’m ready to go all-in. Fox Mulder created what is quite possibly the most productive department in the FBI with next to no resources at all.
We can’t be the only ones out here who still believe, that still want answers? I can only hope that once Fox knows the truth, he’ll share it with the rest of us.
Of course, this all hinges on the fact that we will need to see some romantic development between him and Scully, or really, what even is the point?
Pros:
- Extremely likely to purposefully expose alien files on Instagram
- We might finally get that Mulder-Scully scene we’ve all been hoping for
Cons
- Without Scully to constrain him, we’re going to need a lot of tinfoil hats
#2 – Gladmir Dudin’
Not much is known about Gladmir Dudin’ until recently; he seems to have staved off the always penetrating eye of the government until just a few years ago. Isn’t that exactly who you would want to take this position, someone who understands the overarching power of our government in a way that has allowed him to overcome it?
Since Gladimir’s immigration to the United States, he has quickly ascended the political ranks, landing as one of the President’s key advisors. As a defector from Russia, who better to assume the duties of investigating American ties to Putin?
Pros:
- EXPERT on Russia, would be incredibly insightful in the Trump-Russia investigations
Cons:
- He’s got a certain sparkle in his eye when he’s around top-secret information, I can’t quite put my finger on it…
#1 – Tiffany Trump
Tiffany “Who?” Trump is often seen as the black sheep in the Trump family; and seeing how anything black makes the Trumps uncomfortable, she is our number one choice to lead the charge in the investigation against him. Currently she is the only Trump child without a claim to some directional power in the guidance of this great country. Even Baron is being promoted to Chief of Lego Building, a truly coveted position.
If we want a fair and impartial leader in the FBI, we need to look no further than the forgotten child.
Pros:
- Extremely likely to accidentally expose alien files on Instagram
- As a former Trump, her vengeance would fuel one hell of an investigaiton
Cons
- That whole “Rich Kids Instagram” thing is just ridiculous
Runners up and Honorable Mentions: Batman, Dora the Explorer, and Rosie O’Donnell.
So, how did we do, and who did we miss? Who would you suggest could fill James Comey’s size 10 1/2 shoes? Let us know!
