Catfish Cooley, Internet superstar, walking Hee-Haw episode, and post-modern philosopher, is spending this Whiskey Wednesday holed up in an undisclosed bunker amidst concern that Nashville Predators Hockey fans might toss him onto the ice.
“I seen what they done to that catfish in Pittsburgh last week and I ain’t wantin’ nothin’ to do with that,” he told SoBros reporters.
To be clear, Mr. Cooley has spent plenty of time wrapped in saran wrap, and is no stranger to squeezing into compression shorts–his fear, he claims, is the risk of contributing to an off-sides violation faulting the Preds.
“I heard that [Jacob Waddell] feller tried to flatten the last catfish by running it over with his truck,” he added amidst a seemingly ubiquitous snort. “That just don’t sit right.”
When asked who he will be rooting for from his fallout bunker during tonight’s game, Catfish belched and said he wouldn’t feel dignified pledging allegiance to either team publicly, saying that he stands firmly against shameless plugs. He did, however, direct us to the SoBros webstore where you can purchase a topical, comfortable, Preds-themed t-shirt (or sticker!) to adorn yourself in throughout the remainder of the Stanley Cup Final.
I have no idea how to legally provide a disclaimer for parody articles, so to be clear – I made everything you just read up because it’s funny.
Ralph Wiggum covers it all for The SoBros Network – breaking news, politics, technology, anything of importance going on in the world. He is also an expert turtle photographer.
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