Major League Baseball’s prestigious Home Run Derby is tonight. It’s an event steeped in baseball traditions. Legends are born on nights like tonight. Can Giancarlo Stanton repeat? Is Aaron Judge going to continue dominating? Or, will a dark horse emerge victorious? There’s only one way to find out: tune in to ESPN at 7PM (Nashville time).
I’m more of a sentimental guy, though. The fun, festivities, and fanfare don’t affect me too much. I take the time to stop and appreciate the history. For me, it’s about reflection, and every time I hear the term “home run,” I stop and reflect about the life and times of one of baseball’s greatest legends: Mickey Kaline.
What’s that? You don’t recall the story of the time Arnold (from Hey Arnold) encountered his favorite baseball player? Well, allow me to indulge you for a moment.
From the Hey Arnold Wikia (because apparently that’s a thing):
Mickey Kaline Sr. (pronounced “Kay-Line”) is a fictional character in the Hey Arnold! TV Series.
He is Arnold‘s favorite baseball player who plays for the Hillwood Black Sox. He retires after hitting a home run on the final swing of his career, which Arnold catches and gives back to him.
Before Kaline hits his final home run, Arnold states that Kaline had a lifetime average of .299, and hit 533 home runs. Assuming that Arnold was current with his stats, Kaline’s final home run would be his 534th, and would have tied him with Hall of Famer Jimmie Foxx on the all-time home run list. Arnold also states that Kaline married his high school sweetheart, Shirley, wears a size 13 shoe, and he goes by the nickname “Chet.”
Now, that’s a slice of Americana if I ever came across one! On the final swing of his career, which if you actually do the math, lasted about 48 years, Kaline jacks one out of the park. And, who is there to catch it, you ask? One of my childhood idols: Hey Arnold. First name: Hey. Last name: Arnold.
After retiring, Kaline opened a hot dog restaurant called “Mickey’s All-Natural Casings Dog Pound.” When Arnold gave up baseball because he kept injuring his friends, he patronized Kaline’s restaurant, where Kaline diagnosed him with “Dangerous Lumber” and advised him that the only way to get over it was to face his fears and hit again. Arnold followed his advice and hit a game-winning home run, which (unbeknownst to Arnold) landed on Kaline’s head. Kaline returned the ball to Arnold, mirroring their first encounter.
Such a rich story, and we come full circle. This isn’t some stupid children’s cartoon, but it’s a metaphor for the circle of life. What’s new is old, and old is new, or whatever. It’s about a man coping with the inevitability of Father Time stealing his thunder, but more importantly, it’s about a boy becoming a man right there on the baseball diamond. It taught us to face our fears no matter who gets a concussion because of it.
I can honestly say I would not be the man I am today without Mickey fucking Kaline.
As long as MLB’s Home Run Derby takes place, I’ll be around to sing the praises of the greatest #3 not named Dale Earnhardt that ever lived.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. A strong advocate of GSD (get shit done) and #BeBetter, he’s down to talk Tennessee Titans and Alabama Crimson Tide football over a beer any day. Check him out covering the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @WrestlingNewsCo
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