Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, Movie Review

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If we peeked inside Luc Besson’s brain, we would probably be amazed and scared shitless at the same time. As the director of La Femme Nikita, The Professional, The Fifth Element, and Lucy, there’s no doubt his mind works in mysterious ways. Maybe that can be said for a lot of filmmakers, but Besson’s unfathomable creativity, for better or worse, forces you to pay attention. With his new super trippy science-fiction movie, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets does more to divert than command your concentration.

Based on a series of French graphic novels, our heroes are Major Valerian (Dane DeHaan) and Sergeant Laureline (Cara Delevingne). Valerian is a decorated soldier who has proved his worth time and time again throughout the universe. That’s probably why he’s become such a galactic heartthrob who can’t help but sleep with all of his female co-workers. Though Laureline is different. He loves her. She ain’t no fool, and while she cares for him, she’s fully aware of his skanky reputation. More so, she’s got more gusto than the guy, but who has time for romance any way? Especially when the actor’s chemistry is DOA. Their “flirting” is cringe-worthy, but the mission is what’s really important! That last part was sarcasm.

After a planet is wiped out, the surviving alien species come looking for what is their’s. They kidnap Commander Arün (an unenthused Clive Owen) right from under Valerian and Laureline, sending them on a hunt across Alpha, the remarkable city the movie title speaks of where all walks of life come to share and find peace. And where else can you find Ethan Hawke as a pimp named Jolly that likes to get freaky and Rihanna as a sexy, shape-shifting stripper named Bubbles? If they sound out of place, it’s because they are.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets will razzle and dazzle you. There’s no denying it’s a visual party for your eyeballs. Like The Fifth Element, Besson’s new outer space opus is jaw-dropping when it comes to his invention of such an inconceivable world, splashed with a plethora of color and kookiness. Nevertheless, it’s reduced as a distraction from a lousy, unexciting narrative where everyone in front of the camera isn’t phased by their environment, they couldn’t actually care less.

Ultimately, it comes down to show over substance. The effort is overloaded when it comes to the look of Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, but forgotten are the fundamentals of storytelling. In his futuristic fairy-tale, I don’t think Besson was going for stunning and simultaneously stupid, but that’s what you have here. Welcome to a beautiful letdown.

“Nature Boy” Brandon Vick is the resident film critic of the SoBros Network, and star of Brandon’s Box Office In Your Mouth. Follow him on Twitter@SirBrandonV and be sure to search #VicksFlicks for all of his latest movie reviews.

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