Tank the 401k: ‘Big Gulps, Huh?’ Edition

 In Tank the 401k

Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my professional eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts!

*gulp* Yikes. After a strong start, I’m starting to slip a bit. That’s not supposed to happen. It’s actually the opposite of what’s supposed to happen. You’re supposed to become more accurate the more you learn and know about a team. We’re not in full-on panic mode yet, people. But, just know that that bottle of Jack Daniel’s is always in the back of my mind….ready to be butt-chugged.

I whiffed big on my bold proclamation that UTSA would cover -13.5, and I thought for sure that Carolina-Detroit game in the NFL would finish under 44 points. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that I was an idiot last week. But, you know what I did?

I looked at the prospect of a losing and I said, “Big Gulps, huh? Alright, well see ya later.” I’m not really sure what that means exactly, but I thought it in my wittle head and it made laugh so here we are.

By the way, what’s your favorite Dumb and Dumber quote? It’s Big Gulps for me – at least that’s what I use the most frequently in conversation.

Big Natural’s Picks

NFL: Green Bay -3 @ Minnesota – This is easily my most confident pick this week. Everyone, including Las Vegas, seems to think the Packers are going to suffer a letdown after that emotional win against the Cowboys, but I just think they’re too strong an offense for the Vikings to contend with. It may not be a 30+ point performance, but I’m taking Aaron Rodgers -3.

NCAAF: Illinois -2.5 vs. Rutgers – The Fighting Illini have covered just once this season, but the Scarlet Knights are averaging just 10 points per game against FBS competition, where Illinois is posting 18. I don’t think this is going to be a runaway either way, but at -2.5, give me the home team.

NFL: Los Angeles Rams @ Jacksonville, OVER 42.5 – The way this season has gone, the Rams are liable to score 30 on offense and the Jags are liable to score 30 on defense. It’s unreal – that Jags secondary is INSANE. I don’t know who to call in this game, but I’m comfortable saying these teams will score at least 43 points.

NCAAF: Utah State -3 vs. Wyoming – In my eyes, we’re heading towards a Colorado State-San Diego State Mountain West Championship. I liked Wyoming a lot to start the season, but they just aren’t putting the points on the board we thought they would. This is an interesting game between two teams competing for an interesting bowl slot. It’s possible that the winner of this game gets the 4th bowl slot from the MW. I like the electric Aggies offense at home by three (if you can still get it at three).

NFL: Kansas City -4.5 vs. Pittsburgh – What about this season so far has instilled any sort of faith in the Steelers for this game? Pittsburgh is 3-2, but could easily be 2-3 with a loss to the lowly Cleveland Browns in hand. There are some serious problems with Ben Roethlisberger, and sure, the offense is going to want to come out and make a statement, but if there’s no other way to describe Kansas City so far this season, it’s “in control.” I expect the Chiefs to do what they’ve done all season: control the game and score points in multiple ways.

NCAAF: UTSA -2.5 @ North Texas – If I’m one thing to a fault, it’s handsome. But, if I’m two things to a fault, that second one would be loyal. Sure, Texas-San Antonio shit the bed against Southern Miss in my “lock of the week in college football” last week. But, I’m loyal to ’em. That’s a damn good ‘Group of Five’ team. I still like the Roadrunners to run all over the Mean Green. I’m not ready to buy in on North Texas yet…which….by the way, you know you’re a football nerd when you’re uttering the sentence, “I don’t know if I’m ready to buy in on North Texas or not.”

Last Week: (3-4-1)
On the Season: (17-16-1) – 52%

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. A strong advocate of GSD (get shit done) and #BeBetter, he’s down to talk Tennessee Titans and Alabama Crimson Tide football over a beer any day. Check him out covering the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley@WrestlingNewsCo

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