Blake Shelton Is People’s Sexiest Man Alive, Nick Saban Robbed yet Again

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So, the news actually started leaking out yesterday morning, but it was officially announced last night. People Magazine has named Blake Shelton the sexiest man alive for 2017. You know, I like Mr. Shelton and all….but I have to say, I’m disappointed in People. Alabama Crimson Tide head football coach is long overdue for this award.

Courtesy of People Magazine:

Despite being a heartthrob with a fan base of millions, the 6’5″ Oklahoma-bred Shelton — whose latest album, Texoma Shorehit No. 1 on the Billboard Top Country Albums this week— insists he had a few awkward phases while growing up. “I think to describe myself as a child, one word comes to mind. And that’s fat,” he says. “People say I haven’t changed since before I made it. And I’m still fat today. That’s proof!”

Shelton does try to stay in shape by exercising on the treadmill and eating as healthy as possible, though all bets are off when he’s home in Tishomingo, Oklahoma. “It could be 2 o’clock in the afternoon before I eat and then I realize I’m starving, so then it’s a bag of Cheetos,” he says. “And there’s a Sonic in town, they got jalapeno poppers. And then I’m not hungry again until 10 o’clock, well what’s in there? Fishsticks. And like a big pickle, those pickles that come in its own package with juice? It is really bad.”

Again, I like Blake Shelton. He seems like a really cool dude, and he’s one that I think this team would really jive with over some booze. Hell, the guy has even been nominated for our highly prestigious ‘Tom Arnold SoBro of the Year’ Award. But, when I look at Blake Shelton, I just think, “yeah, that guy farts.”

Not only am I sure that Blake Shelton farts, but now I am sure that when he does, it smells like fishsticks, pickles, jalapeno poppers, and Cheetos. That sounds nuclear.  I’m well aware that it’s 2017, and I’m not quite sure what sexy is anymore, but this just seems like an oversight. You just gave a guy the sexiest man alive award and his response is to talk about how fat he is and how he wants to shove the award up Adam Levine’s ass.

It must be his damn wit, charm, and those alluring blue eyes, I guess. But, personally, I’ve been waving the flag for another candidate for several years now. So, let’s get down to the meat of my argument here. Let’s review Nick Saban’s qualifications.

Handsome: check. Smooth as molasses voice: check. Style: check. Success: check. I can’t confirm it, but I’m sure just by looking at him that he has that sexy older gentleman musk, too. I just don’t understand what has to happen for Saban to get some recognition for his smolder.

He doesn’t eat all that junk food that Blake Shelton does – nope, for Saban, it’s an oatmeal cream pie every day. Even the food he eats is sexy. Does anyone else have statues erected of them? Can any of the other sexy man candidates say that they’ve been at the peak of their industry for over 10 years? I don’t know. I highly doubt it. Saban seems like the most logical choice for Sexiest Man Alive to me, but I guess I’m not the one making that decision. People magazine obviously doesn’t give a shit what I think.

But, in all seriousness, congrats to Blake. The man has hustled his way to the mountaintop, and we’re certainly happy to see that hustle pay off.

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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