Big Cable Bought Congressional Candidate Warren Davidson for $15

 In Humor, Politics

Sickening news today regarding the war on net neutrality, folks. For those of you who don’t know, it appears as though some of the major cable companies are using their resources (read: money) to determine the fate of this lightning rod issue in our country.

Courtesy of The Verge:

The FCC is about to give massive internet service providers the power to divide the internet. It is at risk of becoming unrecognizable. A vital global utility that has been a boon to creative and economic freedom for people around the world may be turned into a twisted land of tolls and corporate control.

In layman’s terms, this could be really bad for companies like us. The hope would be that our representatives would be able to fight for us to maintain the creative freedom of the internet. But, that hasn’t been the case. It looks like big cable is combating us by buying politicians.

…It’s fair to want to see monetary influence across all of Congress. While it is clear that alignment with the ISPs is currently drawn along party lines, the industry’s attempt to gain favor with lawmakers is not partisan. Entrenched telecommunications companies liberally spread money and attention to everyone who holds office. Sometimes that influence comes in the form of lavish parties with Olympic athletes and lobbyists, but consistently it comes in the form of contributions to campaigns.

Oh, Olympic athletes? So, not real ones? These cable companies are worth billions and the best they can do is amateur athletes? Not even…like….LeBron James? Tom Brady? John Stockton?

I know why – because if they brought these high profile athletes in for parties, it would raise attention to what’s going on, and people would see what a disgusting practice is taking place. They would say, “my God, where did they get the money for Clyde Drexler? Must be big cable buying our politicians.”

These are snakes we are dealing with, people. They know what they’re doing. They want to make politicians feel real good, but not tip off the general public to the deeper cause here.

It’s impossible to quantify the overall influence of this powerful industry, but we can chart some of it. Below you will find contributions to individual members of Congress, and those members’ leadership PACs, from 1989 to the present day. This money came from the telecommunication industry’s own PACs, their individual members or employees or owners, and those individuals’ immediate families. This data was prepared for The Verge by The Center for Responsive Politics: an independent, non-partisan nonprofit research group that tracks money in US politics and its effect on elections and public policy.

So, you can see what a systemically problematic issue this is. This is a practice that has been going on since 1989. But, the most disgusting revelation may be this:

Absolutely disgusting. Warren Davidson should be ashamed of himself. Talk about greed. Talk about cowardice. You are willing to sell out the good people of Earth for what? $15?!?! That’s all it cost? For other representatives, the cost was slightly more, averaging $748,000. We’re not talking about a massive uptick in price, but the fact that Davidson was willing to sell so cheaply is disheartening. The fine folks of Ohio should be up in arms over this.

We have reached out to Mr. Davidson for comment, but have been denied. We’re just going to say that he is presumed to be thinking, “well, shit, if I’d known I’d end up on the ISP payout list I would have bought my own lunch.” At least, that’s what we, investigative journalists, would be thinking.

Disclaimer: Warren, if you’re reading this, please know that it is meant in good humor and satire. We don’t know the circumstances that landed you on this list next to a $15 price tag, but we completely understand that it is most likely the result of a donation to your campaign fund or something similar. But, if it is true, SoBros Network has a shiny new $17.56 we’d happily make your’s if you’d pass some laws in our favor.

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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