Amazing Ways You Won’t Believe Will Allow You to Live Forever

Share This Post

I’m going to be completely transparent with you guys. I don’t have a fuckin’ clue how y’all can live forever. I’m just in a bit of a bind here. See, we sat down to make our yearly goals a few weeks ago, and one of those was a certain number of pageviews in a given month. Well, right now, we’re on pace to hit that number, and I just want to be sure we get there. So, I’m going to try and keep this train going with some good old fashioned clickbait.

Clickbait works – it just flat out does. Or else people wouldn’t do it, right? I mean, developing a strong aversion for it is a learned skill in this day and age. But, we’ve always said we don’t want to be that kind of web site. We just want to write good shit and we want to make people laugh. But, desperate times call for desperate measures. It’s become clear to me that we will never amount to anything in life unless we start writing clickbait. So, here I am. Clickbaiting away. Clickbait, clickbait, clickbait.

That said, now I do feel a little guilty. If you’re reading this, you’ve clearly fallen for the click bait. But, I’ve already established that I have no credentials for coaching immortality. Uhhh…I’m going to give it a shot, though. Because, if nothing else, I can journalism my way to some decent advice.

Amazing Ways You Won’t Believe Will Allow You to Live Forever

5. Do something legendary – If you’re looking for a low-risk way to achieve immortality, doing something legendary is probably the route to go. Why? Because legends never die. I’m still awaiting results of the clinical trials of this and I may move it up to #1. But, for the time being, let’s move on to more tried and true methods.

4. Exercise – Working out can lead to immortality if you ONLY work out your lungs and heart. The stronger you make them, the less likely they are to shut down, causing death. So, you’ll want to work out so much that they’re made so strong that they never shut down. It sounds easy, but that’s a lot of work. Be prepared.

3. Don’t ever leave your bed – Think about it – how long does it take for a bed to decompose? Well, if you lay in bed too much, you eventually become the bed. So, it stands to reason that if you become a bed, you will be just as immortal as a bed. Therefore, I highly recommend this trick.

2. Juice cleanses – Lemon water with cayenne pepper…..injected straight up your ass. Once a day, every day, over the course of the next 40 years. After the 40th year, you will unlock immortality. It takes the anal consumption of roughly 40 years worth of lemon cayenne juice to achieve this milestone. Take no shortcuts. Accept no substitutions.

1. Sell your soul to the Devil – Vince McMahon. Call him up, smooth talk him if you have to, offer fellatio if you have, just DO NOT hang up the phone until you’ve willingly given him your soul in exchange for the privilege to live forever. Otherwise, you will suck Vince McMahon’s dick for nothing. Unless you want that – in which case, I have just provided you with a low key way to get Vince McMahon’s schlong in your mouth.

Anyway, selling your soul for immortality is probably the easiest, but most costly, method of achieving immortality. It just depends on how bad you want immortality.

There it is, folks. Now, you can be an amazing person forever. For literally all of eternity. #ItWorks #Marketing #Immortality #WCW #WorldChampionshipWrestling #Hope #Dracula #Advertising #TipsAndTricks #ButtStuff #Brazzers

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

Buy our shirt. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. Listen on SoundCloud. Watch on YouTube. Shop our store on Redbubble.

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Get updates and learn from the best

More To Explore