Matt Patricia was recently announced as the next head coach of the Detroit Lions. Given what a tremendous job he’s done as the New England Patriots’ defensive coordinator, it was only a matter of time before he landed such a gig. But, since he’s been in the headlines, someone posted a photo of the guy before he had his signature beard. It’s been spreading like wildfire, circulating all over Twitter and the social media echo chamber:
This is Matt Patricia without a beard.
That is all. pic.twitter.com/g6n47IWuAv
— Michael Grey (@TheMichaelGrey) January 16, 2018
That just seems unnatural. Like, it’s not right – that can’t be Matt Patricia, can it? Obviously, it’s time to do what we do best at SoBros Network: ask the hard-hitting questions. So, the first thing that comes to mind is, “ladies or gay men – would you or would you not date and potentially bone beardless Matt Patricia?” To help you properly answer this question, I’ve put together some quick fun facts on each.
Beardless Matt Patricia
*Beardless Matt Patricia has a nice 401k and a solid 10-year plan.
*Beardless Matt Patricia likely suffers from erectile dysfunction.
*Beardless Matt Patricia looks like he has trouble getting the lawnmower started.
*Beardless Matt Patricia wears socks with sandals.
*Beardless Matt Patricia wears bacon-necked t-shirts and polos with floppy collars.
*Beardless Matt Patricia struggles to open a jar of pickles.
*Beardless Matt Patricia can likely grill a mean steak, but only if they’re on sale at the local Kroger.
*Beardless Matt Patricia still wears braided belts.
*Beardless Matt Patricia is likely to have a Kool-Aid tongue. That is to say that Beardless Matt Patricia probably drinks a lot of Kool-Aid.
*Beardless Matt Patricia drinks warm milk before bed every night.
Bearded Matt Patricia
*Bearded Matt Patricia could hunt wild buffalo with nothing more than a sharpened stick.
*Bearded Matt Patricia spends roughly 60% of his life with a raging boner and an insatiable thirst for intimate sex while maintaining eye contact.
*Bearded Matt Patricia drinks mead out of the skulls of his enemies.
*Bearded Matt Patricia can drive a nail into the floor by stepping on it.
*Bearded Matt Patricia pickles cucumbers by simply looking at them.
*Bearded Matt Patricia could rip the head off a live boar with his bare hands.
*Bearded Matt Patricia sleeps in a bed of rattlesnakes.
*Bearded Matt Patricia walks around with thumbtacks in his shoes for no reason.
*Bearded Matt Patricia can lift up to 500 pounds with his tongue.
*Bearded Matt Patricia wipes his ass with sandpaper.
There you have it, folks. Facts only. Which would you choose?
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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