I’m a big fan of Bigfoot. But, definitely not the crazy type of Bigfoot followers – I’m not one of those lunatics who think there’s a whole species of sasquatches out there roaming the wilderness. No, I’m much more practical. I believe that Bigfoot is just a time traveling beast that can access portals to and from different dimensions. Or, he’s just constantly out of focus and fuzzy if you subscribe to Mitch Hedberg’s theory, which I can totally jive with.
However, nowhere along the way, have I wondered what Bigfoot’s dick looks like. Like, whenever I think of Bigfoot, I definitely don’t think about his big ol’ hog. But, apparently, there’s a man named Denver Riggleman who is waving the flag for Bigfoot erotica.
Ever since the world went more or less completely topsy turvy back around 2016, there’s been an intoxicating sense that anything can happen in global politics, no matter the absurdity. But even that simple maxim leaves room for surprise, like when a United States candidate for Congress, who has already been accused of aligning with white supremacists, is exposed as an alleged lover of Bigfoot erotica.
“Excuse me?” you might well ask. “Huh?” you might also say. The Republican candidate in question is Denver Riggleman, who is running in Virginia‘s 5th district against former TV journalist Leslie Cockburn, who just so happens to be Olivia Wilde‘s mum.
Cockburn posted this… interesting tweet this morning, featuring a screenshot of Riggleman’s now-locked Instagram account.
My opponent Denver Riggleman, running mate of Corey Stewart, was caught on camera campaigning with a white supremacist. Now he has been exposed as a devotee of Bigfoot erotica. This is not what we need on Capitol Hill. pic.twitter.com/0eBvxFd6sG
— Leslie Cockburn (@LeslieCockburn) July 29, 2018
There is so much about this story that I love. It’s legit one of my favorite stories of 2018 so far. I’m not a Republican, but I would LOVE to vote for this guy. Just out of the sheer absurdity of it all. Like, put a camera in front of my face….let’s do one of those “man on the street” interviews.
“Stoney, why are you a fan of Denver Riggleman?”
“Because of the huge Bigfoot dicks.”
By the way, are these names real?!?! “Denver Riggleman” and “Leslie Cockburn” sound like opponents in the sequel to The Campaign. I’m just waiting for Will Ferrell to bone some woman while she puts her face in a freezer.
I’m not going to hate on this guy, either. If you think I’m going to condemn his art, then you got another thing coming, buddy. Let your freak flag fly, Denver. You do you. It’s 2018 and I support you. Love is love.
Hell, maybe this is just what this country needs right now. Like, as far as we know, we’ve had nothing but a lineage of politicians who haven’t posted fantasized Bigfoot dick pics, and look at where it’s gotten us. Maybe this is the change we need. We need a man who will post a grotesquely huge ape penis on social media from time to time. Maybe that guy has what it takes to lead the world.
I don’t know – I’m just a Nashville blogger.
PS. If this is some sort of satire, someone please let me know.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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