Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my professional eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts!
Well, I’ll be DAWL GONG it feels good to read that intro to Tank the 401k again, folks.
I’m ready to crack my moose knuckles and dive into some football statistics and analysis like the champion I am. Just kidding – I only pick games with my gut, but it’s big so that means it has a lot of wisdom. Right? That’s how it works. As usual, I feel the obligatory need to warn you all that these are just game predictions and you should actually bet money at your own risk.
Last year, I finished the season at 55% – a down year from my glory days, but a winning season nonetheless. I’ve waited a long time to say this….but let’s fuckin’ go.
BIG NATURAL’S TANK THE 401K PICKS
NCAAF: Vanderbilt -3 vs. MTSU – The Commodores absolutely stifled that potent Blue Raider offense a season ago. I don’t know that much has changed in this match-up in a year’s time. I expect the defense and Kyle Shurmur to carry the ‘Dores to a comfortable opening game win.
NCAAF: Washington-Auburn, UNDER 48.5 – You think Gus Malzahn, you think offense. But, we have two good, underrated defenses here. We could find ourselves looking back at this game in December, and seeing it as a de facto playoff game. Regardless of who wins, I think this ends up being more of a 24-20 type of ball game.
NCAAF: West Virginia -10 vs. Tennessee – I don’t want to look like a Vols hater. I do like Jeremy Pruitt and believe he can improve the program. But, taking on a talented offensive team with a Heisman-contending quarterback that looks poised for a run at a Big 12 Championship? Yikes. On a more granular level, the Mountaineers are a match-up nightmare for the Vols defense. They get a comfortable win in Charlotte.
NCAAF: Notre Dame -2 vs. Michigan – I love the Golden Domers as a sleeper playoff team this year. Errr….if it’s Notre Dame, is it really a ‘sleeper?’ Regardless, I think they take care of business at home against a Wolverines team that has yet to live up to expectations under Jim Harbaugh.
NCAAF: Alabama-Louisville, OVER 62.5 – This one may hinge upon the decision Nick Saban has to make at quarterback. If it’s Tua Tagovailoa, the Tide may hit the over regardless of how many points the Cardinals score. If it’s Jalen Hurts, well, things might be a little more interesting. All kidding aside, this Cardinals team is going to look a lot different without Lamar Jackson. On Saturday, I imagine they’ll be looking like post-motorcycle accident Bobby Petrino.
Last Week: (0-0)
On the Season: (0-0) – 0% (Last season: 55%)
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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