Tank the 401k: “Miracles Are Made To Be Broken” Edition

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Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my professional eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts!

You know what they say – “miracles are made to be broken,” or something like that. Well, it was fun while it lasted. My miracle run to start the 2018 season at 80% is over. I’m now down to 71% after I incorrectly picked the Giants to beat the Cowboys and for Missouri to cover against Purdue. Those two picks, man – that was my undoing.

But, that’s the good thing about having a weekly column. Every Wednesday….or Thursday…..or Friday….or whenever the hell I can get it up (that’s what she said), I have the opportunity to start anew. To get back to my winning ways.

I hope this week is that week, folks. I don’t want to go back to butt-chugging a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and sleeping in the Cumberland like I did in the only losing season I’ve ever had back in 2016.

But, of course, I will if I keep losing. Enough chatter – let’s get to the picks.

BIG NATURAL’S TANK THE 401K PICKS

NCAAF: South Carolina -2 @ Vanderbilt – I’m sorry, Herbie. But, that Georgia loss has everyone overreacting to the Gamecocks. That’s still a damn good football team, and I expect Georgia to do that to every team in the SEC East this season. The ‘Dores put up a good fight against Notre Dame, but right now, I’d take Jake Bentley and company over the Irish. This is a better team than they faced last week coming to town on Saturday.

NCAAF: Georgia -14 @ Missouri – Fuck you, Missouri! You were supposed to be the chosen one! No, all kidding aside, I just think the gap between Georgia and the rest of the SEC East is so large, that the Bulldogs are just going to steamroll everyone, Mizzou included.

NCAAF: Texas A&M @ Alabama, OVER 61 – I don’t think the Crimson Tide has really played anybody yet, so I’m afraid to pull the trigger on that -27 spread. Plus, the Aggies played Clemson pretty close. I think the over is the much safer bet. Either the Aggies rattle off some points, or hell – maybe the Tide hangs 62 on their own.

NFL: Tennessee @ Jacksonville, UNDER 39.5 – Don’t count on Blake Bortles having back-to-back big games. And, no – that’s not a backing of the Titans secondary as much as it is an indictment of Bortles. But, I expect this one to be a defensive battle.

NFL: Tampa Bay +1 vs. Pittsburgh – Are the Steelers imploding before our very eyes? Antonio Brown and Le’Veon Bell drama aside, this just hasn’t looked like a good football team so far. Meanwhile “Pure Sex” Ryan Fitzpatrick is having a league MVP caliber year in one of the NFL’s most explosive offenses. LFG.

W-L Record: (2-0-1)
Last Week: (2-2)
On the Season: (10-4) – 71%

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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