Hell Yeah, Let’s All Get Some Self-defense Brass Knuckles

 In Humor, News, Politics

For longer than I care to admit, I thought brass knuckles were nothing more than a prop in professional wrestling. Y’know…William Regal would sneak ’em around in his tights and when the ref wasn’t looking, he’d deck his opponent. Then, he’d proclaim it was the “power of the punch” that earned him his victory.

I digress.

But, I didn’t realize people actually carried those fuckin’ things around. They’re a thing, though. A legit bona fide thing. Hunks of metal designed to fit around your fingers so that you can bust someone’s head open (that part is an assumption). I mean, seems really dangerous, right? OR, it seems like it would be good to have a set on you in case someone is mugging you, right? I can see both sides of the argument. But, we definitely know they’re real now. At least we’ve established that much.

Well, the progressive state of Texas is ahead of the curve once again. Gregg Abbott has made up his got damn mind and no longer will law-abiding Texans who have brass knucks on their keychain be subjected to jail time for having ’em.

Courtesy of ABC News:

Beginning on Sept. 1, people in Texas won’t be criminally charged for possessing brass knuckles.

Texas Gov. Gregg Abbott signed the bill, HB446, into law on May 25.

Fuck it – let’s all get on board with this. Let’s make brass knuckles legal everywhere. In fact, let’s give every kid a pair of brass knucks at his/her Sweet Sixteen. It should be a rite of passage like getting a car.

We’re one step closer to The Purge, y’all, and I am here for it.

By the way, I love that the ABC article legit mentions that Texans are carrying these things around on their keychains. That’s hilarious to me for some reason. Y’all probably thought that was some stupid shit I made up to try and get a laugh, but nope – that is real journalism. That’s a real line from a real article on a real institution of news’ web site.

Now, I don’t know how truly practical it is to have brass knucks in the context of self-defense. I mean, you have to dig ’em out and put ’em on. That’s going to take time. If someone has a knife, you’re a goner. Now, imagine if someone has a gun! “Please do not shoot until I’ve had ample time to arm my self with these brass knucks.”

How cool would it be if you blocked a bullet with your brass knuckles, though? Maybe that’s what this law is all about. OF COURSE that is what this law is all about Stoney, you big dodo. No one reasonably thinks they can put on brass knucks and punch someone in self-defense. It’s so that you can’t get into trouble if you block a bullet with them.

Man, the law can get tricky, but I’m really glad we all sorted this out today.

This is probably a drastic next step, but I think we should start considering self-defense flamethrowers, too.

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Alabama Crimson Tide football, the WWE, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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Photo courtesy of Enrique Macias on Unsplash!

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