Top 25 Fictional Football Players: 25-16

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With the return of football right around the corner, it’s finally time to start getting in the spirit. Folks, its time to get our hearts right. If you’re like me, you love scouring all kinds of news and tidbits to get a glimpse into the season. Preseason games are fun and all, but they don’t always provide the remedy for lack-of-football-itis (yeah, I made that up and it’s stupid. I don’t care.).

Personally, this is the time of year when I start to dig into football movies. I could list all of the greats here, but you know them. The Titans, Panthers, Sentinels, Sharks, and Coyotes all have some stud athletes in their ranks. But who is the best?

I’m glad you asked. Just for you, I’ll rank ’em.

The Top 25 Fictional Football players of all time

The Rules:

  1. The player can be at any level of football. Skill will be judged relative to league level.
  2. I’m sticking to movies and TV. I’ve read plenty of books about football, but I’m not counting those.
  3. No biopics. I know that Remember the Titans is a true story, but I’m using the fictional versions here.

Now that we’re all settled on that, let’s go to the rankings.

25. Nigel Gruff – K – The Replacements: Starting out with a kicker! Gruff is easily the best kicker in fictional football history (even better than the Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon.) Known simply as “The Leg”, Gruff can hit field goals from 50 yards+. That’s what happens when you’re wirey.

24. Terrible Terry Tate – Office Linebacker: Oh, you’re just gonna finish off the coffee and leave the empty pot behind? Not today. YOU KILL THE JOE, YOU MAKE SOME MO! Terry Tate is the ultimate motivator, making productivity go up 46%. An imposing force, Tate can make a man recycle just by making train noises and threatening bodily harm. Tate would be higher if he was on the football field instead of an office, but you can’t deny his skill. Just remember, you know you need a cover sheet on your TPS reports, Richard. THAT AIN’T YOU BABY!

23. Louie Lastik – OL – Remember the Titans: You have to love Louie Lastik. A big man with a big heart, Lastik was the first to start bridging the divide of the Titans. On the field, the large fella could block anyone that stood across from him, except when that SOB Ray refused to hear Louie’s audible. His massive size and ability to dig on the Temptations lands him squarely on this list.

22. Forrest Gump – KR – Forrest Gump: He may be stupid, but damn he’s fast. A lot of people might forget that Forrest was a kick returner at Alabama. After all, he did a LOT of stuff in his life. But the day Forrest ran through an Alabama practice in front of Bear Bryant, he managed to get himself a ride to college. Any man that can run like the wind blows is the perfect return man, especially for the Crimson Tide.

21. Vontae Mack – LB – Draft Day: Ohio State LB Vontae Mack was good enough to be drafted #1 overall by Kevin Costner. The small sample of plays we saw of Mack showed an explosive player that swarms to the football. His game tape showed him rattle top QB prospect more than once in college, proving that Mack is a force to be reckoned with on the field. He seems to be the steal of the draft, but we honestly have no idea. He could be the future of the NFL, but we never see him play a game. For that, he lands at 21. Vontae Mack, no matter what.

20. Charlie Tweeder – WR – Varsity Blues: Tweeder is a Texas high school football legend. The #1 receiver for the West Canaan Coyotes, Tweeder was big potential in a small package. Even if he wasn’t built like a traditional receiver, he managed to wreak havoc on defenses in 1-on-1 situations. The oopty-oop was specifically designed to make the defense leave Tweeder in man coverage. You have to respect that. Bonus points for being an absolute wild card off the field, stealing police cars and hitting people in the nuts with wiffle ball bats.

19. Ronnie Bass – QB – Remember the Titans: Suuuunshiiiiiiine. The California Wonder showed up a little late to camp, but impressed coaches by firing that pigskin about 50 yards without effort. Ol Ronnie had a CANNON. When Rev went down (that damn SOB Ray), Ronnie stepped up and led the Titans to an undefeated season. His first play under center? He back body dropped the nose guard that injured Rev. You can’t call unnecessary roughness on the QB. Bass gets docked a few points for not being able to pitch the ball 3 feet.

18. Billy Bob – OL – Varsity Blues: I know that Mox might be the star of Varsity Blues, but Billy Bob was everyone’s favorite. Loyal to the very end, William Robert made it his personal mission to protect his QB. When Lance Harbor went down, Billy Bob felt personally responsible, even though he was playing with a concussion. After getting healthy, Billy Bob threatens to rip off his coach’s arms to protect his teammate. In the end, he joins the punt block squad and leads the way for Tweeder to block the kick. That one play set up the winning touchdown pass……to Billy Bob. The most versatile lineman in fictional football history.

17. Danny Bateman – LB – The Replacements: What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in intensity. Bateman has two settings: 1. calm and reserved. 2. a maniac barbarian that wants to destroy his opponents. A former cop, he’s very mission oriented. If you want the ball, all you have to do is ask. He’ll bring it back to you while probably dragging the dead body of the ball carrier. He’s a one man wrecking crew in a bar fight and is damn good to have on your side.

16. Steve Lattimer – DE – The Program: Speaking of unbalanced psychopaths, Steven Lattimer is pretty much The Boz in movie form. Dripping with anabolic steroids, Lattimer gains 35 pounds of muscle to earn a starting position his senior year. How does he celebrate? By bashing his head through a bunch of windows in the parking lot. Without the steroids, Lattimer isn’t playing with a full deck. But he also isn’t good enough to start for ESU without them either. Add in that he’s an absolute trash person to a girl in The Program, he’s lucky to be here at 16.

Poppa Bear is the Lead SEC Analyst for the SoBros Network, and serves as our resident expert on the human anatomy, fixin’ stuff, and tomatoes. Follow on Twitter:@SoBroPoppaBear

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Image courtesy of Ben Hershey on Unsplash!

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