Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts!
Alright, folks – we’re back for another of the emotional roller coaster that is Tank the 401k. If this is your first year with us here on SoBros Network’s American football betting feature, I hope you’re ready for the highest of highs and lowest of lows. As usual, remember that these picks are made directly from my brain, but I should (legally) remind you all that I am no expert and don’t pretend to be. My lawyer suggests I should remind people of that.
While I’ve never had a losing season, that doesn’t guarantee that I never will. If I do have a losing season, then as the old adage goes, “get ready to watch me butt chug a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and take a nap in the Cumberland.”
Let’s pick some fuckin’ football games.
BIG NATURAL’S TANK THE 401K PICKS
NCAAF: LSU -6 vs. Texas – I’m buying in on Joe Burrow and that overhauled Tigers offense, baby. College Football Playoff or bust.
NCAAF: Vanderbilt +6.5 @ Purdue – I know the ‘Dores were stomped by Georgia last week, but that game could’ve been a lot worse. That offense still has some firepower, and they’re going up against a Purdue team that just lost to Nevada. I don’t care if it’s at home, I doubt Purdue covers 6.5.
NCAAF: Texas A&M +17 @ Clemson – I don’t know that I’m calling the upset, and I’m damn sure not on the ‘everybody panic about the Tigers’ bandwagon, but I like the Aggies to keep this one competitive. This game was close a season ago, and while you can argue Trevor Lawrence is a definite upgrade over Kelly Bryant, the Aggies offense can score points no matter who the opposition is. This could be a game in which that turnover on the Tigers defense is exposed – again, I think Clemson wins (probably), but I like the Aggies to cover.
NFL: Tennessee +5.5 @ Cleveland – If you’ve been paying attention to my coverage of this game on the site at all this week, you’re probably tired of reading, “the Titans are well-equipped to beat the Browns,” so this one should come as no surprise. If it is a surprise, well, then read this.
NFL: Houston @ New Orleans, OVER 53.5 – This one’s going to be a shootout, folks. I’m expecting a really fun game on Monday night. Two healthy and exciting offenses going blow for blow in prime time. I expect this one to hit at least 60.
W-L Record: (0-0)
Last Week: (0-0)
On the Season: (0-0-0) – 0%
Check out my full SEC/NFL game picks here:
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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