Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts (actually, don’t really do that – this is just sarcasm. My lawyers say I shouldn’t claim to be an expert on anything)!
Whew – took a week off from writing the column last week, as I was battling one of the worst chest coughs of my life. But, I threw some quick picks up on the Twitter gimmick and BOY was that a bad idea. 1-3-1 – FUCKING YIKES. That’s my second losing week in a row after starting the season 5-2. FFS, y’all. I’m due for one.
It’s been years since I’ve struggled this bad. I don’t want to, but I am prepared to sell a kidney if I have to to keep this column going. That’s my commitment to all of you.
Which….doesn’t make any sense now that I think about it. Why would I remain committed to making shitty football picks? I don’t know – my head’s a mess right now.
Fuck, I gotta lay off the Tussin.
Big Natural’s Tank the 401k Picks
NCAAF: Auburn +3 vs. Georgia – I’ve been high on Auburn all year because of that defense, and the Tigers are 4-0 at home where that defense is allowing just 14.8 points per game. Nobody has played the best team in the country (LSU) like the Tigers either. I know the offense has been the question mark, but they might not have to score more than 20-23 to win this game. On the other side, I still just don’t know about the Bulldogs going up against the powerhouses this year. They’ve played four teams with winning records: 5-4 Arkansas State, 7-2 Notre Dame, 8-2 Florida, and 5-4 Missouri. Sure, that win over the Gators was huge, but even that was a close win. Something tells me the Tigers are due to win one of these big SEC showdowns.
NFL: Dallas -4.5 @ Detroit – The Cowboys can’t fall too far behind in the NFC, so this one’s going to be absolutely critical for them. They were competitive against the Vikings even though the Vikings took away Ezekiel Elliott. I don’t think the Lions are equipped to do that. This one should be a shootout that the Cowboys win comfortably.
NFL: Jacksonville @ Indianapolis, UNDER 44 – Both of these teams are scoring around 20 PPG on offense and allowing around 21 PPG on defense, so this number is just about spot on. But, I’m expecting a defensive battle with points at a premium. Maybe the Jags offense has one of those games where it gets hot, but I just don’t see it this weekend. I think this is very much a 20-17 type of game.
NFL: Pittsburgh +3 @ Cleveland – Not quite sure what oddsmakers are seeing in the Browns here. On their four-game win streak, the Steelers are allowing just 16.75 points per game. That’s what this one’s all about to me – that Pittsburgh pass rush getting pressure on Baker Mayfield and a secondary led by emerging ‘Defensive Player of the Year’ candidate Minkah Fitzpatrick capitalizing on it. That’s the kind of thing that’s built to take on the road, so I don’t know how much ‘homefield advantage’ should weigh in on this one.
NFL: Houston @ Baltimore, OVER 50 – Both of these teams run the ball well and defend the run well. Something’s going to have to give, and I think this one ends up turning into a bit of a quarterback duel between two MVP candidates. I don’t know which way to call it, but I like a lot of electricity to lead to points out the ass.
W-L Record: (5-4)
Last Week: (1-3-1)
On the Season: (25-19-1) – 57%
Check out my full SEC/NFL game picks here (I’m 97-46 (68%) so far on the season in picks straight up):
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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