Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts (actually, don’t really do that – this is just sarcasm. My lawyers say I shouldn’t claim to be an expert on anything)!
UMMMMMMM – I got my fuckin’ ASS kicked last week. Fuck, I’ve gotten my ass kicked for three weeks in a row. I don’t have much in the way of defense other than, “hey – I’ve been sick and feverish.” Maybe that helps. Whatever the case, I haven’t been on my game.
This is my seventh year running this column. In 2017, things were lookin’ pretty bleak at one point, and I was thinking about doing something drastic like hangin’ up the cleats and ending the Tank the 401k column. I was also talking about butt chugging Jack Daniel’s and sleeping in the Cumberland River.
Those were dark times, but I dug myself out of that hole and finished at 57%…my worst year, but still a winning year. So, now…it’s late in the season, but I have to pull off the same sort of comeback. Let’s get to work so I don’t have to put a bottle of whiskey in my butthole!
BIG NATURAL’S TANK THE 401K PICKS
NFL: Houston -3.5 vs. Indianapolis – The Texans are going to want this one after getting trounced by the Baltimore Ravens. But, that 41-7 loss was more the exception than the rule. The Texans were only 15 points away from being 9-0 entering that game. My point being that this is still a good team, one that figures to have a say in the AFC. I think Deshaun Watson and DeAndre Hopkins get things right and have a big game tonight on Thursday Night Football.
NFL: Oakland -2.5 @ New York Jets – Sure, the Raiders are 5-1 at home vs. 1-3 on the road. But, look at the road trips they’ve made – to Minnesota, to Indianapolis (the one they won), to Green Bay, and to Houston. Those teams are a combined 28-13, so I’m not buying that the Raiders are necessarily a different team on the road. What these Raiders have been able to do to inferior competition is much more indicative of who this team is than their road record. Derek Carr’s playing the best of his career, that defense is going to pressure Sam Darnold. I think this is a comfortable win for a team that’s going to be pushing for a division title.
NFL: New England -6.5 vs. Dallas – One of the league’s best offenses against the league’s best defense. But, the thing that stands out to me is that the Cowboys are 0-3 against teams with winning records this season. Factor in that this game is IN New England, and I think that defense if going to F E A S T.
NFL: Detroit -3.5 @ Washington – Maaaaan, Washington is fucking bad. Plus, these Lions have been due for one, right?! Jeff Driskel quietly had a pretty good game against Dallas, so even with him at the helm, I think the Lions get it done against one of the worst teams in the league.
NFL: Baltimore -3 @ Los Angeles Rams – The Rams just haven’t been the same on offense this season. The Ravens are white hot right now, and under the bright lights of Monday Night Football, I think they’re going to show out.
W-L Record: (5-5)
Last Week: (1-4)
On the Season: (26-23-1) – 57%
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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