Welcome all degenerate gamblers back into my weekly American football column, Tank the 401k. Here, I will divulge all my eagle-eyed opinions on the upcoming week. Call your bookie and empty those retirement accounts (actually, don’t really do that – this is just sarcasm. My lawyers say I shouldn’t claim to be an expert on anything)!
Why am I even doing this anymore? Why don’t I just hang up the cleats on the season before I have my first losing year ever? It all started so promisingly…I started 5-2….at one point this season, I was at 72%…
Now, I’ve suffered four losing weeks in a row.
Folks, I have the bottle of Jack Daniel’s on my person. I’m starting to consider just butt-chugging this thing and jumping into the Cumberland. Just like I used to threaten to do in 2017 if I didn’t get my shit straight.
I’m running out of daylight to turn this season around. Right now, I suck at this. I have ruined what I thought was a lead I couldn’t lose.
I am a failure. But, the only way to find success is to keep trying. No one has ever failed five times at the same thing, right? Surely, it won’t happen to me.
Even if it does, I can just go live in a goddamn shed somewhere and take care of a bunch of cats like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys.
BIG NATURAL’S TANK THE 401K PICKS
NCAAF: Virginia +3 vs. Virginia Tech – If you can still get Virginia at +3, I say take ’em. The Hokies have been bet down to -2.5. But, some books are still showing -3. VA Tech has been red hot lately, not allowing a single point scored since 11/9/19. But, the Cavaliers have been much more consistent, and are 6-0 at home this season. Furthermore, they’ve won all six home games by an average victory margin of 20 points.
NCAAF: Ohio State -9 @ Michigan – I can’t explain it. I just smell it. This is a statement game for the Buckeyes and an implosion-inducing loss for the Wolverines.
NFL: Dallas -6.5 vs. Buffalo – ESPN’s Football Power Index (if you believe that as a reliable tool) is saying the Cowboys have a 78.5% chance of winning this ball game. It’s two good, dare I say, underrated defenses going at it, but the difference for me is the Cowboys offense. This is just a mismatch against a team that struggled to keep the Browns and Eagles from scoring. The Bills have capitalized on an easy schedule so far, so this is going to be a huge step up in competition. I don’t think they can keep that explosive Cowboys offense at bay. Don’t let last week at New England fool you.
NFL: New York Jets -3.5 @ Cincinnati – The Bengals don’t score a lot of points and they give up a lot of points. The Jets have scored 34 points in three straight games against bad teams. What makes you think they can’t do that again against the worst team in the NFL? Sam Darnold has chicks to make out with, bruh.
NFL: New England -3 @ Houston – The Texans are a formidable opponent, but the historic Patriots defense is the key here. They’re good against the run, which is what the Texans like to do, and they have one of if not the best corner in the league in Stephon Gilmore to hang with DeAndre Hopkins. If they can contain Deshaun Watson, I think this is a comfortable win for the Pats.
NFL: Rams @ Cardinals, OVER 47.5 – Two capable offenses that like to light up the scoreboard, and two defenses that are struggling. The Rams are allowing 22.1 PPG, while the Cardinals are allowing 28.8 PPG. The only way I see this game hitting the under is if one team pulls away from the other early and turns this into a lopsided affair.
NFL: Titans @ Colts, OVER 43.5 – If you look at the season stats, these two teams are pretty comparable, but if you look at the last five games, it ain’t even close. The Titans are 4-1 in their last five, averaging 29.4 PPG. And, while the Colts have played good defense lately, they’re 2-3 in their last five, playing offenses such as the Dolphins, Steelers, Jaguars, and Broncos (the Texans qualify as a “good” offense). I expect the Titans to get their fair share on Sunday, and push this to a 24-21 type of game.
W-L Record: (5-6)
Last Week: (1-4)
On the Season: (27-27-1) – 50%
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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