Another WOMBAT Saturday is in the books. The SoBros Network team was on hand to document all of the action LIVE from Tullahoma, Tennessee, and boy was it a doozy. Let’s take a look at where all of the superstars stand after that premiere event.
WOMBAT Power Rankings: 12/10/19
10. Bill Dundee – Ol’ Superstar wasn’t at this show, but considering he’s still the WOMBAT Television Champion, I cain’t, as a credible professional wrestling journalist, leave him off of this list. I’m sure that he’s got that title displayed proudly in his trophy case, and is probably training to defend it again at this very moment. As I type this, he’s probably hittin’ the bag and throwin’ some fireman carries on it.
9. Levi Everett – He ain’t the Amish Heritage Champion no more, but this guy deserves a lot of credit for a gutsy performance, and I ain’t gonna hold the loss against him too much since that bastard Tony Deppen was CHEATIN’ to win the title. Levi had to walk a hundred miles just to compete in this match.
8. “Mr. Walk It Out” John Poe – John Poe was supposed to be the face of WOMBAT, but he come out and beat all the people he was supposed to team with a steel chair and joined Team GCW. I’m real confused as to what to do with him in these power rankings.
7. Juicy Jimmy – The steaks was high in the Gypsy Joe Arena when Juicy Jimmy got his hands on Logan Stunt in a Waffle Hosue Deaf Match. It was a strong showing in a winning effort. He had a little doohickey what I reckon you put in your butt for fun. He fell on it, and man, that hurt my butthole just watching. Otherwise, it was a lot of waffles and a big win for Jimmy. Hope y’all stayed tuned in for Crux Wrestling, ’cause Jimmy got to rub his tiddies in Outspoken Owen’s face.
6. The Smokin’ Budz – Something…I don’t know what it is…but something tells me these boys might partake in the marijuana. I don’t condone that ’cause I read the Lord’s Gospel like a good southern boy. But, even I have to respect the talent that Cody and David have. They beat two damn good wrastlers that have put the south on their maps. These boys just might deserve a title shot.
5. Kung Fu Janela – I didn’t know they was gonna have a karate guy in the ring! I would like to enroll at his school if he gives instructions. That was a real impressive win from Joey’s cousin over Jimmy Lloyd, and I hope that with the winner’s purse, he was able to help out Uncle Steve with his condition. I’d expect that since he’s a real fighter, the people of WOMBAT will want Janela competing for their Television Title some time soon.
4. Tank – I will have to check the record books, but I don’t believe any man, woman, child, or dog has ever lived through a Bob Wire Match. Not only did Tank live through one, but he won him one to boot. I know a lot of tough sumbitches, but by God, I don’t think there’s a soul walkin’ God’s green Earth that’s tougher than Tank.
4. Tony Deppen – I just hate this sumbitch and the way he walks around like his turds don’t stank up the toilet bowl. He’s just so damned mean, I don’t see how anyone can like him. But, since I’m a professional, and he did technically win, I’m willing to put my own feelings aside and acknowledge that he won the most prestigious title among the Amish community on Saturday. But, he was CHEATIN’ and we all know that cheaters never really win. He can damn sure churn butter like a firecracker, too.
3. Effy – Wrasslin’ ain’t all about the championships. Don’t y’all forget that there’s a whole lot of treasures on the line in some of them matches, too. I don’t know who at WOMBAT pooled enough money together to get a Dollar General gift card, but it was the most generous thing I ever did see them people do. They really take care of their wrastlers. Effy won a war with GQ and claimed the Dollar General gift card. He won’t have to worry about Christmas anymore – his loved ones are gettin’ quality items now.
2. Team GCW – These guys must be big time wrestlin’ stars. I don’t know too much about ’em ’cause they don’t come on the television in Tullahoma. But, Nick Gage, AJ Gray, Brett Ison, and KTB hardly broke a sweat and they beat damn eight different people Saturday night. They must be cool ’cause they got “Mr. Walk It Out” John Poe to join their team. Tullahoma probably won’t never see him again.
1. “Action Mike Jackson and “Wildfire” Tommy Rich – The 16-year championship reign of Mance Warner and 1 Called Manders came to a thrilling end. Them boys was fightin’ fuckin’ and fartin’ for nearly two decades with the gold strapped around their wastes. That is until they met the spark plugs that was Action Mike Jackson and “Wildfire” Tommy Rich.
Maybe if Ol’ Mancer didn’t have such a bad attitude, this one woulda gone different. But, he was out in the crowd carrying on with somebody’s granny, and I think he was trying to fuck her. Matter of fact, I think Ol’ Mancer was tryin’ to fuck a bunch of people in the crowd. I’ve heard of that happening before – they call it the Tullahoma Effect.
But, you had Tommy Rich out there throwing forearms like he couldn’t break the damn things. Action Mike Jackson was hoppin’ around like a spring in a bean can. They just wasn’t gonna be beat that night, folks.
1993 didn’t matter a whole hell of a lot in the end. I just hope they made it to the Gondola Pizza and Steakhouse before they closed so they could celebrate the right way with a good ol’ steak. Nothin’ says championships like steaks.
No word on whether or not WOMBAT will be returning to Tullahoma, but if they do, rest assured, us SoBros Network boys will let y’all know.
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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