Time for White People to Take 911 Out of Their Speed Dial

Someone is going to want to talk to our manager.

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Remember those simpler times when we had fun online laughing at the racist acts of white people for calling the police on black people for…well…living? I miss those days, even though it was wrong of all us to just sweep these actions under the rug for a cheap laugh. Racism is a cancer in this country that has been around for over 400 years now and I truly don’t know if there will ever be a cure. I really hope I’m wrong.

The invention of the cell phone and the cell phone video camera has become the greatest tool in fighting racism in the 21st century. Countless people have been recorded as they have called the police on black people for just living their best lives, and most importantly, minding their own damn business. Whether it was a ‘Karen,” ‘Becky,’ or ‘Chad,’ white people love using fake fear as a reason to justify calling the police on minorities. 

I have compiled a list of some of the bizarre moments in which white people lost their shit over black people just trying to live the good life.

First up to bat is Alison Ettel aka Permit Patty. You may remember Ettel from the summer of 2018, when she felt it was her civic duty to call the police on an eight year old girl for selling bottles of water without a permit in San Francisco. Let’s read that again – she called the cops on a small child for selling water. Look, I’m all for abiding by the rules, but how many times have you been walking in your neighborhood, seen a child selling lemonade, and thought “I wonder if their permits are up to date” before buying a glass. Zero? That makes two of us.

Patty did her best to avoid being recorded while snitching to the cops even going as far as ducking behind a wall. The short video quickly went viral and Ettel was eventually forced to resign as the CEO of the health company she worked for.

White women had a hard time in the summer of 2018. Were they stressed out over the upcoming midterm elections? Or, were they pissed that Meghan Markle became a princess and they were still stuck being toads? Maybe they couldn’t take their kids crying over the closing of Toys “R” Us anymore. 

Regardless the reason, Jennifer Schulte went completely bat-shit crazy in April when she called the police on a black family for barbecuing. BBQ Becky was born in late April of 2018 when she called the police over the use of a charcoal grill because she felt the charcoal would harm children. Schulte called 911 twice and became hysterical during the second call, claiming she was beyond harassed and assaulted, even though there appeared to be no evidence of it. The best part of the over 24 minute video is when Becky suddenly turns on the water works as the police arrive. The award for the worst performance by a white cryer goes to………..Jennifer Schulte.

Imagine this, you are a community leader in South Carolina and you are leading a group of young children in protesting gun violence. You’re feeling good about yourself and the impact you have made on the children and the community. You then take your group to a nearby gas station for some snacks. One would assume you would be met with positivity while visiting the establishment, but oh no – it’s still 2018. You instead are greeted by Gas Station Gail, who decides to call the police on you for what she believes is a “riot.” If I had heard of this story at the time it had happened, I may have been shocked, but I live in 2020 and I’ve seen some shit this year.

It turned out Ms. Gail worked for the gas station at the time and was eventually let go by the company. I’m just baffled that you would call the cops on a group who were out advocating for peace. 

It’s really funny how the people calling the police for so-called justice are quick to play the victim card when their blatant racism is thrown back into their face. Hilary Brooke Mueller said she she was just following her condo associations rules when she tried to keep a black man from entering the building because she didn’t like the answers to her questions. D’Arreion Toles made his way past Key Fob Kelly and made his way to his apartment with her in hot pursuit. She even followed him into the elevator repeatedly asking him his unit number. 

Mueller was later let go from her job, but doubled down on any wrong doing saying “My only intent was to follow the direction I’ve been given by my condo association board members repeatedly and that is to never allow access to any individual that you do not know. I do not think that I did anything wrong.”

Without a doubt my favorite story is of the one of 12-year-old Reggie Fields. Fields is the founder and CEO of Mr. Reggie’s Lawn Cutting Service in a small town in Ohio. Ok, if you are not familiar with this story, please take a seat because I don’t want to be held responsible for anyone’s injuries. You see, Reggie was cutting the lawn of a customer when the police showed up. Was the lawn mower too loud? Nope. Was Reggie throwing trash into the yard next to him that resulted in the call to 911? Nope. Did he accidentally mow some of the lawn next to his customers? Bingo!

Linda Krakora called the police to complain about someone unintentionally mowing part of her yard. You read that sentence correctly. 911 was called to report a child cut part of the yard, even without being asked. Oh, the horror. 

But that’s not all of the story. Two weeks later, Fields was invited back to his customer’s house for a Fourth of July party and had the cops called again. This time, the charge was that her fence was damaged due to Reggie and other kids playing too rough on a Slip N’ Slide. I can’t make this shit up people. I really wish I could.

I could go on and on sharing the most insane instances where white people really showed their asses. There’s Cornerstore Caroline who called the cops on a small 9-year-old child alleging that he sexually harassed her when surveillance video shows that was not the case. The newest addition to white people showing their ass is New York socialite Svitlana Flom, who called the police on a black woman for sitting on a bench in the Upper West Side. Flom made multiple calls to 911, first accusing the woman of smoking in public and later claiming that she was attacking her and her children. In the video, the woman is frantically telling this dispatcher that she has been attacked and that she is fearful of the kids’ safety. The kids are nowhere to been seen, and even Flum’s husband leaves the scene. If she was in such distress, why would her husband leave the area? 

Flum even has the audacity to ask the woman to walk to the police station with her. I said it earlier, I can not make this shit up.

https://youtu.be/D0eM2fWpQH8

Everyone at this point has seen the incident in Central Park a few weeks ago involving a black birder and the white woman who had her dog off its leash in the park. There’s also Taco truck Tammy, Pool Patrol Paula and the woman in Memphis who called the police on a black real estate investor while inspecting a property. I know it seems like only white women are at fault, but for every Karen, there’s a Chad. In my final example, I present Coupon Carl. This is the story about a white man named Morry who felt the need to call the police on a black woman over the use of a coupon. Yes, a coupon. Camilla Hudson had a coupon she had received from a manufacturer due to an issue with an earlier purchase.

Hudson presented the coupon to a manager operating the register and another manager was called over when the computer would not accept it. The manager told Hudson they could not accept the coupon, he had never seen one like it before, and that he thought she may have hand written it. After becoming offended by the manager, she was asked to leave, but Ms. Hudson stood her ground. 

Morry is seen shaking violently in the video while on the video with the police. It is later found out that the manager, Morry Matson, forged numerous signatures on a petition to stop a bike path being built near his home due to his concerns on people from the South Side. Matson is a member of the Log Cabin Republicans of Illinois, a group advocating for LGBTQ conservatives, and was a state delegate for the 2016 Trump campaign. 

Curious what the coupon was for? The coupon was for a disposable incontinence product. I repeat, I can’t make this shit up.

It is way past time for white people to start minding their own damn business. So many of you are quick to tell people who are out protesting the injustices towards people of color to stay at home when a curfew is put in place, but when states are on a lockdown due to a health crisis, you are real quick to grab your guns and storm state capitals, declaring your liberties are being infringed upon. How about all of you go take a deep dive into the shallow end of the pool?

Who wants to talk to the manager now?

Steven McCash is the Music Columnist for SoBros Network. He is the pioneer of New Music Friday, highlighting each week’s new releases in the world of music, in addition to the occasional live show review. Follow on Twitter: @MC_Cash75

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