It Has Been Brought to My Attention That Touchdown Dennis Kelly Is Not on Madden
Big time journalism to get to today. That’s what we do here at SoBros Network – we get you the most important news going on in the entire world (Earth). I was chillin’ last night, watching Hamilton on Disney+ when out of nowhere, I get a text message leading with “Stoney, I’m fucking furious.” I knew a major news story was brewing right away. You don’t just get “fucking furious” over stuff that isn’t major news. Sure enough, the news hit me like a ton of bricks. It would appear as though Touchdown Dennis Kelly has been left out of the latest Madden video game.
Unlike a lot of coward journalists, I am not afraid to cite my sources. It was my boy Reed:
Utterly disgusting. John Madden, how could you? This man has been one of the most integral “6th man” swing tackles in the entire NFL over the course of the last few seasons. He figures to be the starting right tackle when the season starts (all due respect to the Big Boss Hoss, Isaiah The Giant). AND, the man caught a touchdown IN THE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME! The man is literally ‘Touchdown’ Dennis Kelly. You know the rules – you put Dennis Kelly in the game, you’re going to score touchdowns.
You can’t even put this man in your video game?
I’m not a video game guy at all. I haven’t bought a new console since the Playstation One, and that was all the way back when I was in the 7th grade. I played Metal Gear Solid like hell that summer, and told the rest of the games to fuck off. Just not my cup of tea – I’d rather write stories and chase leads like any good journalist. So, what I’m saying is I can’t realistically boycott Madden, because in a way, I’ve been boycotting Madden for 20 years without knowing it. That’s why I’m calling upon everyone who has ever played a video game to boycott Madden. It’s the only way to undo this injustice.
And, if this turns out to be wrong, and TDK actually is in the new Madden game, don’t blame me – I’m just the journalist. I only report what is reported to me. It’s not my fault if that information is wrong. Please blame Reed and direct all of your hate mail towards him. If you want to, you can even throw a few tomatoes at his front door. I’m cool with that as long as you leave me out of it. Trust me – I am a responsible journalist.
Anyway, this is also a chance for me to bump the podcast we did with Touchdown Dennis Kelly earlier this year. It’s called promotion, folks:
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley