Hello, and welcome to the latest Patreon column that can be defined as ‘premium content.’ Today, I’m going to offer up yet another glimpse behind the curtain here at SoBros Network as you all continue to get to know me as a person, and not just the virtual content machine that I am. I am more than just my dick and my fingers – I believe it was Oprah Winfrey that once said, “I am a man. I contain multitudes.”
So, I’ll share with you all this deeply personal tidbit of information about me. Have you ever noticed that smearing something on your chest is a good remedy for a lot of life’s ailments? One time, I was super sick and tired, so I spread some Vick’s VapoRub across my chest, and miraculously, I was able to breathe better.
I thought, “huh….wonder what else I could smear across my chest to help make me feel better in general?” So, I did. I started smearing just about everything I could my hands on across my bare chest. Ketchup, gasoline, hair gel, mud, and on occasion, Floam. I found great success and improved my mood drastically.
It’s almost as if no one had ever thought of this before.
So, I thought I would pass along this bit of life advice, and maybe help give those of you who could be looking to make improvements in your life the nudge you need to start smearing things across your bare chest more regularly.
My Favorite Things to Smear Across My Bare Chest
Vick’s VapoRub – As a man who struggles with sinus and allergy issues, I can’t vouch for Vick’s VapoRub enough. Just don’t masturbate with it.
Essential oils – My issues with sleep have been well-documented on SoBros Network, but one of the things that has helped me get over the sight demonic figures while I’m paralyzed is the use of essential oils like peppermint. I will sleep like a baby and ignore the bats flying around my bedroom after a night of using essential oils!
Lotion – Lotion just….God….it just smells so fucking good.
Scrambled eggs – I’m a big fan of breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day…maybe even your whole life. Breakfast gives me the zoomies, much like a dog who is excited to see his owner at the end of a work day. So, to combat this, I’ve found that the quickest way for me to get over these zoomies is to take a handful of scrambled eggs, smear them across my bare chest, and then run around the house twice. Then, I’m good to go. It’s almost become apart of my morning routine.
The blood of my enemies – Just because I’m a nice guy doesn’t mean that I DON’T have the conqueror’s ethos within me. When you’ve defeated someone in battle, the final step is to claim ownership over their soul by cracking open their skull, drinking a gin and tonic out of it, and then smearing their blood across your own bare chest. If you can actually be completely nude for this one, it’s even better. This is the only thing on this list that can be considered a celebratory act.
Gak – Something about the nostalgia of Gak just brings me back to my childhood. There’s nothing quite like becoming one with your history, and there’s no better way to create that sort of unity and one-ness than by smearing something across your bare chest. It’s therapeutic and cathartic. Plus, smearing Gak across your bare chest could potentially make for some really interesting ASMR. WOW! Did we just create art here?
What do you guys like to smear across your bare chests? Let me know in the comments!
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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