Sometimes, You Just Accidentally Stretch Out a Poot

 In Humor

We’ve all been there. Sometimes, nature calls and it doesn’t wait for voicemail. If you don’t answer, it’s just going to beat down the door and make its way in. No one can stop it, and though you may try your hardest, eventually, you’re going to let out that poot.

When I was in the 8th grade, I was trying to hold in a toot for hours – eventually, I succumbed to it. It just so happened to be during our Accelerated Reading hour, when the entire class was quiet and reading. I was fighting a sneeze and *spoiler alert* I lost that battle, too. When I sneezed, I let out the gentlest of poots, definitely still audible. I was so embarrassed – Mother Nature was 2-0 against me that fateful day. Sadly, that was only the second most embarrassing moment of my 8th grade life – I also had a mullet. Anyway, I just bring this up to illustrate a point – it happens to all of us.

Take this woman, for instance. She’s in the gym, trying to get healthier, get toned up, whatever her goals are. Her friends are there, and they’re getting in a good stretch, which is essential to a solid workout routine. Her trainer pushes a little too hard and sure enough, we’re losing pressure, folks.

Ain’t no shame in this one, gurl. That’s how you know it’s a good stretch. Hell, I’d be willing to bet that if you ain’t makin’ me toot, you ain’t really stretchin’ me all that good. If I want to achieve peak physical conditioning, I better be shitting my fucking pants every day.

Pre and post workout, actually. I want that gym smelling like a dumpster fire. Bigfoot’s dick kinda stuff.

On the contrary of this caption, I would be showing my face in that gym every day. I would be judging everyone in that gym that WASN’T farting. “Oh, you didn’t shit your pants today? Weak. Step up those workouts, loser.” You see me coming, and you know what’s finna happen. We’re gonna stink it up and stretch it out.

That’s the spin cycle, guys. That’s how you turn a negative into a positive.

PS. This woman sharted and it probably still smells better than a Planet Fitness.

Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley

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