This is a long one, folks – much like last night’s 3-hour Grand Old Party Debate – so let’s dive right in:
11. Ted Cruz – I’ll say this about Mr. Cruz: he’s charismatic, and it’s clear he knows how to speak to people. Still, he comes across as a caricature of an actual politician. On more than one occasion, I turned my attention to the dishes in my kitchen that needed cleaning, and excitedly looked up thinking I had walked off and left The Campaign playing. Nope – just Sen. Cruz.
He does have an audience who wants to hear his message. Think of the people that went to the tent revivals in True Detective Season 1. Okay – maybe I’m being a little too hard on the guy. You may call them ‘personal attacks’ and that’s probably fair (and yes – he talks funny, Bill!). But, he didn’t do much of anything to stand out.
I actually hate him – how is that for political analysis?
Quote of the night – “….kill the terrorists!”
10. Mike Huckabee – Man, Gov. Huckabee, it isn’t 2008 anymore, is it? He seems like a sweet enough old man, a bat shit crazy old man if you will, but I’d definitely enjoy listening to his soothing voice talk about anything as I tried to fall asleep. Maybe that’s part of the problem. He, like Sen. Cruz, just didn’t do much with the opportunity.
His big moment came in defense of Kim Davis, but that isn’t important. Dude suggested putting his wife on the 10-dollar bill. What a sweetie!
Quote of the night – “Oh, you don’t want me operating on you!”
9. Scott Walker – Walker was once viewed as a promising dark horse candidate to sneak up and challenge Jeb Bush. It’s too bad for him that he’s just a tool. He needs all the points he can get, and he really did nothing to earn any last night.
It was as if the only thing he had rehearsed was his ‘apprentice’ joke that he delivered to Donald Trump, and then just dropped the mic and disappeared for the rest of the debate. And the codename ‘Harley’ line? What a douche. I was expecting a ‘deal with it’ to follow suit.
But, listen – as a man who sweats profusely for no reason on a daily basis, I can’t hold his obvious glisten against him. That just happens, bro.
Quote of the night – “We don’t need an apprentice in the White House. We have one there right now.”
8. Rand Paul – I just can’t pin Rand Paul down. The marijuana discussion he and Chris Christie had caught my attention in a positive way. Still, he spent too much time bashing Donald Trump, and failed to present his own solutions to the issues in question.
He falls into the class with those listed behind him of candidates who just didn’t do enough to be memorable. I like his hair, though.
Quote of the night – “I’ve made my career as an opponent of the Iraq War.”
7. John Kasich – Does anyone know how John Kasich got involved in this thing? He was supposed to be there, right? He sounded way too reasonable to be on such a stage. What did he get for his efforts? Hardly any of the spotlight.
Quote of the night – “Hello, I’m John Kasich, the Governor of Ohio.”
(oh – good to know!)
6. Donald Trump – As far as insane Donald Trump stuff goes, last night was pretty mild. He’s a fiery, charismatic man who knows when to pick his spot, and knows when he has a receptive audience. Still, he’s simply outclassed by the other candidates in debating anything not relating to immigration.
There’s no doubt some of the air came out of his balloon last night – but, props for the awkward, rich white guy high five with Jeb Bush.
Quote of the night – “I think she has got a beautiful face and I think she is a beautiful woman.”
What atrocious grammar – ‘she has got a beautiful face.’ Come on.
5. Ben Carson – Ben, my man, this was supposed to be your night. You’ve been surging in the polls, and this was your chance to feast on the competition. What happened?
Dr. Carson came out flat, and lacked the ferocity to stand up to Trump in a spirited discussion on vaccines. When Trump threw some shady, made-up sounding information on vaccinations, Carson was reluctant to flat out tell him he was a bumbling fool.
You know what he should have said? “Hey, Donald – I got this one. Why? ‘Cause I’m a FUCKING pediatric neurosurgeon!” You’re telling me he doesn’t have the credibility to put Trump in his place? Come on, Ben. You’re better than that.
Still, he delivered logical, well-reasoned ideas on immigration and the Iraq War. And, he’s just a very sweet man in general.
Quote of the night – “I see us allowing people to divide us, when in fact our strength is in our unity.”
4. Chris Christie – Chris Christie flat out brought it last night. On a night where he desperately needed a strong showing, he came out guns-a-blazing. He was throwing criticism around like he was Nolan Ryan on the mound, blasting President Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Donald Trump.
When he had heard enough of the back and forth banter between Trump and Fiorina, he took the chance to end it. It was like dad stood up and took his belt off….the final warning.
Quote of the night – “While I’m as entertained as anyone by this personal back-and-forth about the history of Donald and Carly’s career, for the 55-year-old construction worker out in that audience tonight who doesn’t have a job, who can’t fund his child’s education, I’ve got to tell you the truth. They could care less about your careers, they care about theirs.”
Boom – Dad is pissed.
3. Jeb Bush – People acting like Bush fell on his face last night are way off. I think Jeb made a lot of progress towards increasing his likeability. He admitted to smoking pot in high school, stood up for his wife, and suggested a former British Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, to be featured on the 10-dollar bill (though he admitted that’s probably “illegal”).
Guess what? Jeb Bush don’t care – he’s just keeping it real. Screw what the haters have to say.
Last night was Jeb’s chance to stand up to Trump and put on a display of strength to potential voters. I think he accomplished that.
He still looked a little uncomfortable, and I was waiting on the edge of my seat to see him turn around and deck Donald Trump’s ever-sunburnt-looking sandpaper face.
For real, he would’ve earned my vote 100% had he politely took off his glasses, set them on the podium, and turned and delivered a haymaker. Really, to anyone. It doesn’t have to be Donald Trump. I feel like I’m off on a tangent…
Quote of the night – “You know what? As it relates to my brother, there’s one thing I know for sure. He kept us safe.”
2. Marco Rubio – Marco, bro, one of these days, something’s going to have to give. Another solid, articulate, passionate performance, but it happened before, and did next to nothing for you.
The Florida Senator is still going to be a serious contender in this race because he’s just simply a natural. He delivers his message with perspective. That’s important.
For every criticism he dished out, he provided a clear and concise solution. Whether it was good or not, hey, that’s for you to decide, voters!
Quote of the night – “Because in my years in the Senate, I’ve figured out very quickly that the political establishment in Washington, D.C., in both political parties is completely out of touch with the lives of our people.”
1. Carly Fiorina – Yep. You guessed it. These GOP hopefuls don’t even realize what a tough woman they are dealing with. She almost didn’t even make the cut to stand on that stage with the 10 others, but boy – she seized the opportunity.
Fiorina was poised, tenacious, and savvy when she had the floor. She presented herself as the epitome of “no nonsense.”
She delivered an impassioned critique of Planned Parenthood, promoted her international business experience, suggested the U.S. stand up to Russia, and chipped away at the credibility of Trump, Obama, and Hillary Clinton alike.
There are all things Republican voters should be eating up, as Fiorina will likely see a rise in the polls as a result.
Quote of the night (tie) – “I think women all over this country heard very clearly what Mr. Trump said.”
Quote of the night (tie) – “I am prepared to lead the resurgence of this great nation.”
‘Til next time, y’all – take care.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo
Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork
(Credit image to REUTERS/Lucy Nicholson)
