Let’s just put this out there right off the bat – college football bowl games have stupid ass names. I hate the idea of a corporation/organization or any sort of sponsor having the right to name what is supposed to be a “championship” clash between two teams. I mean, come on – these awesome gigantic trophies are ruined every year by Dr. Pepper, Popeye’s, or Zaxby’s logos.
I’m looking right at you, Fiesta Bowl – WTF is a BattleFrog to begin with? Why are Ohio State and Notre Dame competing in a BattleFrog Fiesta? I’m not sure how this works.
And, why not throw the GoDaddy Bowl into the fray? You dumbasses plastered GoDaddy logos all over the field…and that’s a stupid logo to begin with.
The freaking giant bowl of potatoes given out to the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl is great because, even though it’s just a huge crystal bowl full of legit potatoes, it isn’t overly emblazoned with a stupid logo.
I’m just waiting for the KFC Finger Lickin’ Bowl to award a giant silver bust of Col. Sanders to a team.
As I’m sure you can tell, this is a great source of angst for me each and every college football season. I just wish these programs would take notes from the Sugar Bowl. That is a beautiful, classic trophy.
Thankfully, Stephen Carter joined me in making fun of the absurd traditions set forth by the likes of the Poulan Weedwacker Bowl (or whatever it was called). We’re bringing back our annual list of ridiculously fabricated bowl names.
Be warned – what follows is literally just a list of bowl names that Stephen and I made up off the top of our heads. Some are likely offensive to you. Anyway, onto to the list:
Stephen Carter
The JC Penney Deep Dark Secret Bowl
The Bristol-Meyers Squibb Custody Bowl
The Dodge Durango Vacancy Bowl
The Dunkin’ Donuts 6-12-18-24 Challenge Bowl sponsored by Heineken and K-Y Lubricating Jelly
The St. Ives Apricot Scrub Sing-a-long Bowl
The Volkswagen Parmesan Bowl
The T. Rowe Price Salivation Bowl
The Big Lots! Honesty Bowl
The PricewaterhouseCoopers LLP Maternity Bowl featuring guest appearances by Sevendust and Billy Ray Cyrus
The Schlotzky’s Deli Eager to Please Bowl
The Snorkel Bowl presented by Siemens
The Hot Pockets Destiny Bowl
The PepsiCo Sanctity Bowl sponsored by Samsung
The Ernst & Young Head Cheese Bowl
The Goldman Sachs May-Contain-Peanuts Bowl
The Sweet’n’Low Booty Bowl
The S.C. Johnson & Son Taser Bowl
The Nestle Pure Life Self-Mutilation Bowl
The Bank of America Delicacy Classic
The Susan B. Anthony Shatterproof Bowl
The Volkswagen Finger Bowl
The Paul Giamatti Glory Bowl
The Fisher-Price Rastafarian Bowl
The Woodford Reserve Kindergarten Bowl
The Willie Nelson Independence Classic
The Captain Crunch “Oops! All Berries” Proliferation Bowl
The Hillshire Farm Lit’l Smokies Human Centipede Bowl
The Haverty’s Furniture Showroom Yeast Bowl
The Samsonite Dick Bowl
Stoney Keeley
The Remington Skinhead Classic
The Toot’s Good Food & Fun Bowl
The Barstool Sports Punchable Faces Bowl
The City of Bakerfield Boiled Egg Bowl
The Hooter’s Tits Bowl
The James Earl Jones Star Wars Bowl
The Uncle Ben’s Moist Bowl
The Elmer’s Glue Congenital Heart Failure Bowl
The Mazda Toyota Tundra Bowl
The Texas Pete’s Rattlesnake Bowl
The Cheeto’s Collision Bowl
The Hamburger Helper Meningitis Bowl
The Waffle House Cooter Bowl
The Lowe’s Home Improvement Home Improvement Bowl
The LifeStyles XL Sensitivity Bowl
The Banana Republic John Denver Bowl
The Lionsgate Studios Baby Burp Bowl
The T. Boone Pickens Wabash Cannon Bowl
The KOA Campgrounds Trail of Tears Bowl
The Gilette “The Best a Man Can Get” Bowl
WOW – Stephen really brought the heat this year. That’s a solid 29 bowl games. We need to start finding teams to play in these fake games.
While fun, this list did come with its trials and tribulations – for example, where do you draw the line when publishing something one might deem offensive? Our moral dilemma was demonstrated in this conversation:
Stoney: The Hickory 8 Hatchet Bowl….maybe I shouldn’t use that one.
Stephen: Hahahaha – the local crowd will love it, but honestly…I mean…I was working on a couple based on shootings….and I settled on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
See! We weren’t completely heartless. We did, however, find ourselves dealing with multiple distractions while attempting to get this list together thanks to our boy R-Hog:
Stoney: R-Hog just dumped coffee everywhere.
Stephen: YES! Where is it?
Stoney: All over him and the floor.
Stephen: HAHAHAHA
#ADayInTheLife #SorryNotSorry
Anyway, I’m sure you’d like to get back to your regularly scheduled day now. Enjoy all the stupid bowl games.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo
Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork
