Super Tuesday Was a Super Shit Show & 2016 Gets Weird

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Super Tuesday has come and gone, and after 12 states got their primaries and caucuses on, we’re left with a clearer picture of where this whole process is leading us. Bold prediction time: it’s going to be Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton. It’s starting to set up like a storyline out of the WWE’s creative handbook. Clinton has long been the favorite to take the Presidency. In essence, she’s held the WWE Championship for quite some time, whereas Donald Trump just won the Royal Rumble. Now, the two are destined to square off at Wrestlemania.

There you have it, folks. I’ve used my intellect and wit to explain exactly how the American political process works in electing the President.

On the Republican side of things, Trump took home seven states to Ted Cruz’s three and Marco Rubio’s Minnesota. As for the Democrats, Bernie Sanders took some time off from shooting hoops and draining buckets to grind out four of the eleven Democratic contests while Hillary Clinton claimed the other seven.

CNN’s Van Jones and Jeffrey Lord got into it a bit, and for the first time all night, I was pumping my fist and cheering at the TV. Unfortunately, it did not result in an all-out fist fight. All the same, last night was a bona fide shit show. Let’s hit the highlights.

Trump isn’t going away.

We knew this for a while, but now it’s almost inevitable that Trump is going to earn the Republican nomination. He’s undoubtedly feeding off of a divided Republican party that continues to throw up on itself week in and week out. Don’t worry, though, Ben Carson has called a meeting so that everyone can unite – because if one man in this race has the power to pull that off, it’s Dr. Carson. He really knows how to command an audience.

Personally, I like the way Trump totally plays the media by planting fear, deflecting questions, and never offering real solutions to problems. It’s refreshing to see someone who isn’t a career politician in such a position.

Logically speaking, “because they will” is an irrefutable answer as to why he’s so sure Mexico will pay for the Great Wall of the United States Border. Technically, that’s in the future, so no one can say they won’t – no one knows! Besides, if Trump says it, it has to be true, right?

The verbage was a little off, though. As a politician, he should’ve known to tone down the aggression. When asked why he thought Mexico would agree to pay for this wall, I would’ve preferred the answer “because reasons.”

Seven states aren’t the only thing Trump took last night, either. It’s pretty evident that with his victory, he also claimed a portion of Chris Christie’s soul.

Sanders is one tough son of a bitch.

You think Sanders gives a shit about Clinton holding 1,034 delegates to his 408? Hell no! This crafty ol’ codger aims to run at least until June, and guess what – if he can hold on through Michigan, Ohio, and some of the other Midwest states, he’s got a shot. Sure, he would’ve liked to take Massachusetts. Clinton’s victory there was a blow, but he’s not dead yet, and as long people feed him the rock, he’s going to score points. If you can hang around until the fourth quarter, you’ve got a chance to win the game. #BernDownForWhat

Clinton is blatantly unafraid of Sanders.

Man, if I’m Sanders, I’m going after Clinton like a pit bull. She showed absolutely no respect for a man she hasn’t fully defeated yet. She took the stage and started talking about how awful Trump is. Last night was her victory lap – just on to the general election like it’s any other order of business. This is the equivalent of the “Seahawks 2015 Super Bowl Champs” tattoo.

Rubio is closing in on “bat shit crazy.”

Oh, boy – what a kick in the dick for Rubio. He barely mustered the 20% needed in some states to get any delegates at all. If you ask him, though, it’s far from over. He’s going to parlay Minnesota into a bunch of other states, and before you know it, boom – back in the hunt. He has to be hoping that Florida doesn’t pull the ultimate heel turn and vote someone else, though. Also, if you blatantly ask him if he’s in denial, he will try and tell you he isn’t, but…

This, of course, is the EXACT face of a man in denial.

Buddy, you were supposed to be the Republican golden boy….

Has anyone heard from John Kasich?

Seriously – I’m worried about him. These are the things that happen in politics when you become too level-headed and make too much sense. Just ask Martin O’Malley.

Trump 316 says I just whooped your ass! Ha – classic Stoney with the wrestling references. Oh, shit – Carson is still running? And he has eight delegates?! Don’t call it a comeback!

I don’t really care about Super Tuesday, though. I’ve seen nothing to change my vote so far, so I’ve decided I’m ride or die with Marty Huggins – all the way to the White House, baby!

Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo

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