Every year, hundreds of NFL hopefuls parade about, jockeying for position, to impress a bunch of old dudes who are measuring how fast they can run, how high they can jump, how big their hands are, and who knows what else that isn’t made public.
Just to give you an idea of how insane the draft process is, one Atlanta Falcons coach even asked Ohio State cornerback Eli Apple if he was into dudes. I’m not sure how that applies to football or why it matters, but it goes to show you that these people leave no stone unturned. Apparently, it gets taken to a point where apologies are due.
Bottom line: it’s stressful. It’s stressful for the players who are literally undergoing one of the most rigorous job interviews in the world. It’s stressful for the coaches whose careers are on the line in making these selections. It’s stressful for all of the writers who have to keep up with nonstop barrage of news and nuggets that trickle out of the process.
So, let’s throw all of that bullshit out the window right now and have some fun.
The most underrated aspect of the NFL draft is hearing all of the different names that pop up over the course of our research. I’m a Nashville native – so, naturally, every once in a while, I’ll hear a name that makes me think, “damn – that name makes him sound like a dude who just wandered out of Bucksnort.”
Also, for all the PC police and SJWs (social justice warrior) out there, my analysis is purely made up and I am not taking aim at these guys personally. I am literally just projecting a character I’ve made up in my head onto a name. So, if you’re easily offended by that, eat shit and quit reading the SoBros Network.
Quick shoutout to 2014’s champion: Crockett Gilmore. I didn’t make this list last year…anyway, here we go:
Honorable mention: Daryl Worley, CB, West Virginia
There’s nothing more Southern than actually sharing a name with a country music singer. “Have you forgoootttteeen?” Love it.
10. Jack Conklin, OT, Michigan State
Funny that Conklin ended up as a Tennessee Titan. Welcome to the South, Jack. Now, when you hear ‘Jack Conklin,’ you automatically think ‘rock solid.’ That’s who Jack Conklin is. He’s not the old man at the construction site holding the traffic signs. He’s the guy with the jackhammer. He’s the guy stopping at the market for beer, but NOT lottery tickets, every night before heading home to reset quietly.
That’s what makes him civilized. He understands the value of the dollar. Jack Conklin is tough and reliable.
9. Hunter Henry, TE, Arkansas
We all knew a Hunter Henry in high school – stud on the football field, dating the homecoming queen. And then, we all knew a Hunter Henry in adulthood – still wearing his letterman jacket, still talking about the time the high school team made it to the State Championship, still getting high on shift at McDonald’s.
8. DeForest Buckner, DE, Oregon
Buckner is the type of Southerner who is highly regarded in his community. He’s a hard worker, has his shit together – the strong, but silent type. He seems prepared for anything, but you know that hoss can change a tire if he has to. If DeForest Buckner says ‘jump,’ you fucking jump.
7. Tyler Higbee, TE, Western Kentucky
Tyler Higbee is in every country bar every Friday and Saturday night – he thinks he’s a really tough hay-toting country boy, but really, he’s the scrawny loudmouth that hits on your lady and finishes night face down eating gravel in the parking lot.
6. Denver Kirkland, G, Arkansas
Another fine sermon from the esteemed Rev. Denver Kirkland preaching the Gospel! Sidenote: naming kids after places seems like a predominantly Southern phenomenon. Am I wrong in that assessment? I do not know.
5. Storm Barrs-Woods, RB, Oregon State
Boom – here we have it. Our first Civil War era Southern name pops up on the list in grand fashion. General Storm Barrs-Woods has a nice ring to it.
4. Willie Beavers, OT, Western Michigan
I wish I could spend more time with Willie Beavers! He’s always the life of the party, with his booming, smooth-as-molasses, deep voice and extremely restricted vocabulary that is interrupted every five words by a beer belch. Beavers is the guy taking his shirt off and jumping off the barn.
3. J.W. Walsh, QB, Oklahoma State
A proprietor of fine dry goods and washing powders. Visit J.W. Walsh’s general store for a cold cream soda and horehound candy.
2. Wendell Smallwood, RB, West Virginia
Smallwood undoubtedly owns the town’s diner, and cooks up the meanest bowl of pinto beans and cornbread this side of the Mississippi.
1. Vernon Hargreaves III, CB, Florida
Our 2016 champion: Vernon Hargreaves III. Automatic points for ‘Vernon.’ Automatic points for ‘III.’ Not even close. He’s a Tampa Bay Buccaneer now, so keeping it in the South.
Happy draft season, folks.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley,@PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo
Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork
