I write important things here at the SoBros Network. We all do – Bill captures the emotion of entire college football fan bases. Brandon exquisitely critiques fine art of the cinematic variety. Chris explores the far reaches of Earth to provide perspective on life’s greater meaning. Roxanne teaches us the ways of the ancient world, so that we may learn from the wisdom of those who came before us. And I? I write about Sun Chips.
But, it’s an important cross to bear. If I can influence even one – just one – tiny, pathetic life, and lead that aimless life towards the light of the Sun Chip, I have to. That’s my obligation to better society. I didn’t win ‘Most Likely to Change the World’ in high school for nothing. I have to.
So, here we are – the SoBros Top 5 Sun Chips flavors. You’ll notice I left Original flavor out of the list. I feel a responsibility to explain this. Original flavor is the Hulk Hogan of Sun Chips – you were great. You revolutionized snacking, but much much better things have come along since then. Here’s my salute to you for starting this entire revolution!
Now, on to the countdown!
5. French Onion
It’s old faithful with a twang – like putting sunglasses on a dog. Dogs are cool and all, as were the Original Sun Chips, but when you put sunglasses and/or french onions on a dog? Priceless. It’s no wonder these things have been a Barnes & Noble best seller for 82 years according to the Encyclopedia Brittanica.
Truth be told, I enjoy onions of all types, including The Onion. So, Sun Chips lose points for an unimaginative flavor. But, having a flavor counts over not having a flavor, so it gets the nod here at #5.
4. Harvest Cheddar
The House Baratheon of Sun Chips. Harvest Cheddar makes no apologies for being an explosion of flavor in your mouth, and it’s been that way for thousands of years, I think. It’s probably one of the most iconic chips in the history of American exports. It would make sense to put that in a U.S. history textbook tbh.
It would be higher on this list, but over time, I feel as though my taste buds have become desensitized to the flavor of the probably close to 500 pounds of Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips I’ve eaten in my lifetime. Sometimes, when it’s just me, alone with my Sun Chips, I like to simply smell the bag and think back on the days when Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips were new.
It was like when air conditioning was invented. By now, we take it for granted, but when it was new? Oh man – the relief of not having to wear suits to hide sweat had to feel something like the feeling of biting into a Harvest Cheddar Sun Chip.
3. Veggie Harvest Tomato, Basil, & Cheese
Boner alert! This hot new product is setting fire to grocery shelves all over the country for good reason. It’s a real taste of authentic Italy. Tomatoes, basil, cheese – I don’t think anything could be more Italian! And, I have no clue what ‘Veggie Harvest’ means.
Considering I’m an adult with basic deductive reasoning skills, I’d hypothesize that ‘Veggie Harvest’ suggests these chips are healthy. In which case, I’m going to start making Sun Chips salads. We all know basic reasoning is the rough equivalent of factual science – might as well be FDA-approved claims.
2. Sweet n’ Spicy BBQ
This is the real underdog story from the Sun Chips family. Sun Chips are such an outside-the-box idea to begin with that not many thought a BBQ flavor would fit. But, you know what? It fits perfectly. And, really – that’s what outside-the-box thinkers like the folks at Sun Chips do.
It’s outside-the-box to take something that’s considered so inside-the-box and make it outside-the-box and work in such an outside-the-box manner. It’s really in its own genius-level box.
The point is, every time I eat these Sweet n’ Spicy BBQ Sun Chips, I’m transported to a place where the scent of smoked meat hangs in the air along with the the stench of the sweaty man preparing it in the summer heat of Tennessee. It’s that good.
1. Garden Salsa
“Salsa? On a chip? Nah, nah, nah – this isn’t the world I live in,” I thought to myself the first time I saw Garden Salsa Sun Chips on a Kroger shelf. Now, I can’t imagine a $5 footlong at Subway without a bag of this true treasure of Americana. It’s quite simply the greatest possible invention the makers of Sun Chips could have ever hoped to contribute to society.
They could have created a car that runs on human waste, and it would be an afterthought to the Garden Salsa Sun Chip. They could have developed a way to alter genetics so that people could fly, and it would take a back seat to the Garden Salsa Sun Chip. Keys to immortality? GTFO and give me my Garden Salsa Sun Chips!
It’s like the smooth, rich flavor of a tomato packed with the zesty bite from a jalapeno. Throw in the #StellarMouthfeel of a traditional Sun Chip, and I can’t think of a better way to snack my ass off.
Good work, Sun Chips. You’ve made my life easier, more enjoyable, and somehow more meaningful.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley,@PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo
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