All wrestling fans get the premise, you tune in to see the good guys battle the bad guys. The product really gets interesting when the characters send charges of emotion through your body. I’m referring to that brief moment when you forget that all of the outcomes and programs are predetermined and enjoy the chemistry between two performers.
Every now and then, you encounter a performer who pushes the envelope, or witness an act that causes your jaw to sink to the floor….and you can’t help but say “Man….what a bastard!”
I want to preface this ridiculous post by saying that being on this list speaks volumes to these wrestler’s ability to resonate within the minds of the audience. It is truly a rare and brilliant talent that deserves the utmost respect and admiration.
With that in mind, I want to delve right into the topic, and where else do you start in wrestling mythology than with, perhaps, the greatest villain of all-time?
VINCE MCMAHON
I know as you read ‘Vince McMahon,’ you immediately imagine an infinite amount of confrontations with Stone Cold Steve Austin…but lets rewind to the mid-1990’s. During this period, McMahon paraded about as an announcer and commentator, taking us for fools to not realize that he actually OWNED the federation!!!
Okay, maybe I’m the only one who didn’t know this….but I was 9, okay? Give me a break, I also thought the Undertaker was truly dead.
Not only did Vince McMahon screw Bret Hart out of a job, but he has gone to extreme measures to humiliate his enemies. He fires employees on national television and even has some literally kiss his posterior. Remember WrestleMania XIX in Seattle? When battling Hulk Hogan, Vince McMahon slowly raised from the ring apron with the most devilish blood-soaked face wrestling fans had seen. He had a lead pipe in his hand and fully intended to crush Hogan’s skull.
That’s the man’s true spirit. There is a generous slice of Hollywood’s version of Hell dedicated to the “Mr. McMahon” character.
“RAVISHING” RICK RUDE
You know you’re a bastard if you airbrush your opponent’s wife’s face on the crotch of your tights…then again, if you’ve seen Jake “The Snake” Roberts, you understand that’s probably not the worst place her face had been.
BOBBY HEENAN
Everything “The Brain” said or did exuded “bastard.” If you ever get bored, search “Bobby Heenan quotes” and you will be entertained for hours.
SGT. SLAUGHTER
You are an Iraqi sympathizer battling Hulk Hogan and great Mother Freedom herself? You deserve a leg drop.
Not to mention that chin highlights a real bastard-looking face.
THE NASTY BOYS
When you end your matches by smashing your opponent’s face into your tag team partner’s armpit….you’re bastards.
THE DUDLEY BOYS
Bubba Ray Dudley had a speech impediment throughout his entire run in ECW, yet when he got the call up to the majors, the issue subsequently vanished.
To that, I ask: What kind of man pretends he has a speech impediment to evoke empathy from the audience? A true bastard.
That’s just Bubba Ray! You throw in D’Von Dudley and you’ve got the ultimate duo of deviance.
These two once power bombed an 80-year-old woman off of the stage; through a table. Poor Mae Young…that wasn’t even the worst thing that happened to her.
Think also about all of the lumber these two wasted. What about the men and women who constructed these tables? These men and women put time into crafting a safe haven for your casserole buffet, and for what? To see their masterpiece shattered by Rob Van Dam’s back.
The Dudley Boys??? I think not….more like The Dudley Bastards!
RANDY ORTON
Randy Orton falls into this category for two reasons….
1. He punted people’s skulls….and notably…he nailed a DDT on Stephanie McMahon, and proceeded to make out with her unconscious body right in front her husband, Triple H.
-HOWEVER-
I’m willing to give him a pass on this. In fact, this is much the lesser of his two offenses. If gauged truthfully, most wrestling fans would probably consider it a fantasy to make out with Stephanie McMahon in a state of pure submissiveness. Anyway, on to the second offense…
2. He had such a meteoric rise to stardom in 2003-04, and then let us down tremendously with the title win, face turn, and overly cheesy good-guy nu-metal entrance music. Damn it, Randy! Why’d you make us wait so long to see your true greatness!? You bastard!
MR. FUJI
Mr. Fuji was such a fly in the ointment! Any time Yokozuna wrestled, and Mr. Fuji was in his corner, you couldn’t focus on the match. You always had to have one eye on the legendary wrestler’s manager. Why? Because he was always throwing powder in the good guy’s face! Conveniently, the referees didn’t seem to notice…and Mr. Fuji likely altered the outcomes of several bouts.
Can you imagine being in a scenario like this? You show up to a big day of work, and just when you’re about to nail the first quarter sales report, someone runs up to you and throws powder in your face, temporarily blinding you?
BIG BOSS MAN
Big Boss Man was a hugely enjoyable character from my childhood, particularly his rivalry with escaped convict, Nailz (That’s right, ya’ll. If you can escape prison, head to the WWE. They won’t turn you in…they’ll give you a feud and a few matches).
Despite playing the face for years, Boss Man’s bastardness comes from one single incident in 1999. If you’re a hardcore wrestling fan, you already know where I’m going with this…
Big Boss Man drove the Big Show’s dad’s casket across a graveyard, chained to the back of his vehicle. Are you kidding me? This is how you choose to serve & protect?
How does anyone even respond to that?
I’ll tell you….for the better part of my 27 years on Earth, I thought the Big Show’s dad was really in that casket. I hope it’s more of a testament to the Big Boss Man’s ability to sell his character…and not that I’m just a moron.
KANE
I’m not entirely sure that I can put into words just how big of a bastard Kane really is. Sure, we all love him now, and affectionally refer to him as the “Big Red Monster.” I beg you not to forget this man’s grisly past.
The man didn’t contact his own brother for over 20 years…then decides to introduce his self in the middle of one of the Undertaker’s greatest matches!
Let me take a shot at listing some of Kane’s most heinous deeds…he hooked up a car battery to Shane McMahon’s testicles. He chokeslammed Drew Carey…BEFORE Drew Carey got in wrestling shape. He ripped the door off of the Hell In A Cell upon his debut…someone had to pull money out of their pocket to pay for that, right?
He delivered a Tombstone piledriver to Linda McMahon! LINDA MCMAHON! I’m fairly positive that her bones are as dense as my fingernails, and this behemoth of a man is not only stuffing her face into his crotch, but dropping her on her 70-year-old head. Come on, man!
Did you forget about the time he was demonstrating that he had “powers” similar to his brother, the Undertaker’s?
I do….and he lit an innocent camera man on fire. This dude was simply trying to pay the bills and feed his family. He shows up for work that night, and what happens? Kane strikes him with lightning and sets him on fire.
What is the most egregious act ever committed by Kane??? How about showing up to your movie premiere in wrestling tights?? Can you imagine sitting next to Kane in his wrestling tights, and trying to focus on a movie??? What. A. Bastard.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley,@PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo
Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork
