It’s that time of the week again. Let’s get those grievances off our chests.
Rubber Rooster
I wanna talk about our society’s complete lack of respect for wildlife. I don’t know if cute animal movies or parents are to blame, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. They don’t care that you’re a cute toddler, they don’t care that you’re a good person, they don’t care that you’re on vacation, they don’t care if you think you’re a Disney princess, they will fucking attack and eat you.
First, to the people that tried to help a bison calf in Yellowstone which resulted in its euthanization, fuck you. If you’re not trained to handle the situation, then don’t handle it.
When at the zoo, I can’t EVER recall a time where I thought it would be a good idea to get into the pen. Probably cause I was reading Zoobooks or watching National Geographic documentaries. Hell, even now, the thought of falling into an ostrich enclosure scares the shit out of me. Zoos are set up to seem as natural as possible, creating top of the line security isolation chambers would kind of defeat the purpose. Watch your damn children or at the very least, make sure they know how easily an animal could kill them. Fear is good. Fear is what keeps people alive.
Now, I know we live in a society that caters to the lowest common denominator, but c’mon. Where are all of your healthy human instincts? Be cautious when you’re in their territory. Read the fucking warning signs that have been placed for your safety. When something says not to swim in an alligator infested lake, fucking listen to it. It’s there for a reason. Don’t get close to and then turn your back on a wild animal to take a selfie. Don’t treat it like your fuzzy companion. Don’t put it in a parade then kill it when it does something unpredictable. THEY ARE UNPREDICTABLE.
Stoney Keeley (@StoneyKeeley)
I recently had to take a trip out to San Francisco for work. I am a six foot tall man that weighs 270 pounds. Sometimes, it feels like I am as wide as I am tall to boot. I have bad knees, bad feet, and a bad back. Bottom line: traveling is not easy for me to begin with. Every plane I’ve ever been on has been too small for my comfort. It’s very rare that I can cozy into a flight and relax.
So, I’m grumpy enough without people farting in such confined quarters. That’s exactly what happened on my trip home. I’m trying to settle in and relax, and I suddenly smell Bigfoot’s dick from Anchorman. I also forgot to mention that I have a quick gag reflex. I’m stranded at this point, just angry, looking around, making hateful accusations with my eyes towards anyone who will meet my gaze, and trying desperately not to vomit.
I can’t point fingers – I don’t know who it was – could’ve been the old lady sitting in front of me. Could’ve been Captain Dad Jokes behind me. Hell, it could’ve been the guy sitting right next to me. I don’t know.
I’m not easily agitated with people – I’ve been told that’s one of my strong suits. But, one sure way of producing rage in my heart is to fart on a cramped plane – and that’s just me.
Consider the other people, too – you think they want to smell that shit? Hell no. And, another ‘fuck you’ to the farter because I’m a big guy – so, who do you think everyone in the vicinity was looking at when the smell of death crept in?
I’m getting angrier just typing this. I sincerely hate you. There is legitimate hate in my heart towards you. I hope wherever you are, you are suffering immeasurably.
*sigh* Alright, well, Happy Thursday!
Whew – that felt good. Remember, to submit your own Thursday Rant, hit us up onFacebook or on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork. See you next Thursday.
