You know what – when you get to a certain age, it just isn’t appropriate to trick or treat anymore. That happened for me at age 40…..you know, no kids. Just me in a clown costume….something didn’t seem right about it anymore, so I gave it up.
Also, when you get to a certain age, binge-drinking yourself into oblivion loses its luster. Those unfortunate one night stands with a genderless Madonna just doesn’t pack the same punch that it used to.
I grew to hate bars and going out altogether for Halloween. Costumes are an outright waste of money, and quite frankly, I don’t want to lie to anyone. It’s this thing called being honest – it eats at me every day because I’m a good person. When I meet someone, I don’t want them to think I’m a Somalian pirate (my hilarious twist on a classic Halloween costume). That’s not being transparent. I want them to know that I’m “Big Natural” Stoney Keeley.
Nevertheless, one thing we can all agree on: you’re never too old to sit and enjoy carving a fucking pumpkin and watching a Halloween movie. Just good old-fashioned family fun like this family is having:
Nevermind that one of their pumpkins looks like it was left in the sun for too long. Nevermind that mom and daughter are having fun coloring their pumpkin like idiots, while dad and son are accomplishing jack shit by just staring at their fucking pumpkin. You get the message.
So, for me, being the #CONTENT creator that I am, I had to turn to my fellow SoBros in celebration of the Devil’s birthday and get their thoughts on the greatest Halloween movies to watch this holiday season.
Scoring was simple – everyone gave their top five. Five points went to first-ranked. Four points went to second-ranked. So on and so forth. What follows is the official unofficial SoBros Network Top 10 Halloween movie list. Watch ’em:
Conspicuous by their absence: Really surprised to see there wasn’t a single mention of Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, or any of the “_____ of the Dead” movies.
Honorable Mentions: The Exorcist, Casper, Idle Hands, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Sixth Sense, Saw
On to the list!
9. Paranorman, Scream, Beetlejuice (T) – I don’t know that there’s a wider array of emotions than what would be produced by watching these movies in succession. On one end of the spectrum, is an animated film featuring a boy saving his town from a curse. But, you go from that to the blood-soaked slasher that is Scream, to the shitshow circus that is Beetlejuice.
So, maybe – let’s establish early on that you shouldn’t feel obligated to watch these movies in any particular order.
7. Child’s Play, Donnie Darko (T) – Between manipulative bunny rabbits and possessed dolls, there’s room for a lot to go wrong in these two movies. But, that’s why these documentaries were made – to demonstrate the potential dangers in mental illness and when your toys want to stab you.
6. Sleepy Hollow – This is really the quintessential movie for those of you who are fans watching headless creatures being birthed in blood out of a tree. It’s haunting and spooky!
5. It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! – There’s not one person walking this planet who can look me in the eyes and tell me the Charlie Brown holiday movies aren’t the cutest fucking cartoons on the planet. If you disagree with that, I will gladly spit in your face. UGH – go on! Get my blood pumping!
Things are gettin’ LIT at the Charlie Brown Halloween party. What y’all don’t realize is that, in a drug-induced fit, these kids hung live cats from the ceiling. That’s a real human skeleton plastered to the wall, and the shrooms done kicked in, ’cause they’re seeing a witch flying through the room. Not to mention, Snoopy is so blowed, he has to hold on to the curtain just to stand up. Also, someone moved the TV into the kitchen, and those are bell peppers in that tub. The fuck? They bobbin’ for peppers?
3. Ernest Scared Stupid, Monster House (T) – Monster House is the greatest Halloween movie of all time in my book. It’s spooky, but still manages to capture the spirit of childhood in a way that only the Polar Express rivals. And, no, I’m not calling Polar Express a Halloween movie. I’m not stupid. Read my words.
Still, I can respect Ernest Scared Stupid for earning this tie. That fucking troll was a terrifying menace. In this documentary, we got to see the heroics of Ernest as he saved all the town’s children from becoming hunks of wood or something. I can’t really remember. Nonetheless, I’m pretty sure Ernest won both an Oscar and a Congressional Medal of Honor for his role in this troll’s terrorist attack.
2. Halloween – Um, okay – by default, if a movie is called ‘Halloween,’ it HAS to be on every top 10 Halloween movie list, right? Throw in that Mike Myers was a serial killer – AND – Austin Powers, and it’s just all-around a classic character. Plus, that was one big sumbitch. It was like when people paid just to see Andre the Giant. You didn’t mind that Myers was slicing and dicing people – you were just in awe of his stature.
1. Hocus Pocus – Not my number one, but it’s number one in the hearts of many, and truth be told, I can see it. Plus, any time you get to watch Bette Midler’s big bangin’ titties, it’s a win in my book.
So, there you have it, folks. And, in case you’re a nerd who loves data, you can check out the scoring along with each SoBro’s personal top five below:
Boo, bitches!
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork
