Listen, guys – I’m a pro wrestling fan. Nobody appreciates the pain of demeaning social stigmas quite like I do. I’m with you, magicians. You’re no different than the pro wrestlers of the world. So, I don’t want this to seem like I’m dropping trou for a massive dump on magic as a whole, but this is a point that needs clarifying:
Criss Angel is no magician.
That’s right. Everything you’ve ever seen Angel do is no illusion. It isn’t magic. It isn’t show business or smoke and mirrors. It is 1,000,000% real. Not like that bogus moon landing and Santa Claus bullshit. His show Mindfreak was quantitatively a documentary. The proof? Well, you’ve seen the footage.
Look! Look at that! Damn – how can you see that image and not realize that Angel is an other-worldly figure sent to Earth to teach us how to look cool and question our reality???? The motherfucker is FLOATING IN THE CLOUDS, and y’all think television back in 2005, or whenever the hell this was, was capable of such trickery?
Nah – I’m sold on the guy. He has super powers. That’s obviously the most logical conclusion. The guy sat in a water torture chamber for 24 hours, walked up the side of a hotel, and routinely makes things disappear.
He’s also suspended himself in the air with meat hooks in his back and was run over by a steamroller on a bed of broken glass or something like that. Honestly, I’m willing to discredit those feats a bit – that sounds like just another Saturday in CZW.
Regardless, Angel is in the news recently for continuing to be one mystical son of a bitch….
Via US Weekly – “Not so magical. Paris Jackson nearly breaks down during an intense segment with Criss Angel on the illusionist’s new A&E special, as seen in a sneak peek.
Criss Angel Trick’d Up’s preview clip shows Jackson, 18, clasping hands with Angel, 48, as they stare into each other’s eyes. Angel first met Paris years ago when her father, the late Michael Jackson, took her to one of the magician’s performances.
“Paris, look deep into my eyes — you’re going to feel a surge of energy,” the Mindfreak alum tells her in the scene. “What do you see?”
Angel breathes in deeply, and Paris suddenly gasps and appears terrified as she tries to back away from him.
“What do you see?” Angel asks again. Paris replies somberly, “Death.”
Moments later, he lets go of her, and she quickly pulls her hands away and shakes them. She asks, “What was that?””
“What do you see?”
“Death.”
Okay – so this is simply more evidence to support my case. Angel is either an alien, a vampire, or death itself. I’m not going to suggest anything crazy here, but maybe Angel is the type of guy we should make sure is happy at all times. Let’s, as a society, promise not to piss off Criss Angel.
I mean, he could be the angel of death dispersing energy blasts through his eyes. Or, he could not be. I’m not going to take any chances. I’m thinking about making him the beneficiary on my life insurance policy just so he knows I’m on his side. I, for one, don’t want to to be levitated into the sun.
Furthermore,
“Other guests who appear on the program include Gary Oldman, Andrew Dice Clay, DJ Steve Aoki and Dancing With the Stars season 22 runner-up Paige VanZant.
Watch a clip above. Criss Angel Trick’d Up airs Wednesday, October 12, at 10 p.m. ET.”
So pumped for this show – you know something is a treasure when Gary fucking Oldman gets on board. Sign. Me. Up.
Criss Angel 4 life.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
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