So, I’m not the movie guy here. That’s Brandon’s job – just not in my wheelhouse. Not that I have anything against movies, I just don’t have a lot of free time to partake ’cause I’m always watching football, wrestling, scouring the internet for stupid shit to write about, and eating. I attend a theater maybe 3-5 times a year. I’ve already been three times this year, so that’s probably a wrap on 2016. I limit myself to three TV series a year. I splurged this year, enjoying Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Luke Cage, The Night Of AND Bloodline.
So, no more TV either, though I will always make time for Chrisley Knows Best.
But, when the cable’s out, desperate times call for desperate measures. And so, it was either read a book (I’m not a fucking nerd), or watch movies. I decided to watch movies. Since I run a website, I thought, “man – I can still make this a productive stretch.”
But, only the finest quality movies would do. This is still journalism, after all. So, I looked to the most critically acclaimed films of 2016 when I visited Redbox. Coincidentally, they fit into four categories, which I believe the Oscars covet the most every year: superhero movies, Zac Efron comedies, Rose Byrne films, and movies with Michael Shannon in a supporting role.
Also, I’m going to spoil the shit out of every one of these movies, so if you’re not into that, you might want to leave now.
Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice: First up was the highly-anticipated clash between arguably the two greatest superheroes of all time. Bit of a jumbled mess, I’ll admit it. That was the knock on this movie all along, but I didn’t really think it ruined it. The shot of Aquaman was comically bad. He just came across as a grumpy old man trying to scare the teenagers out of his corral reef. Ben Affleck, Gal Gadot, Henry Cavill, and Amy Adams were all fine I guess, but Jesse Eisenberg was annoyingly over-the-top. I marked out for Doomsday, but not enough to overcome the preposterous idea that Lois Lane somehow survived all of the chaos surrounding the heroes. The real MVP of this movie? Laurence Fishburne – always on point. Always handsome. Also, where the hell was the Green Lantern? Disappointed, but the shitty reviews actually made it a little more enjoyable. Low expectations, folks.
Dirty Grandpa – What an awful shit show and waste of everyone’s time. I mean, in a way, I have to applaud Robert De Niro. It’s evident he just doesn’t give a shit anymore, and is taking roles to pad that wallet. If he hasn’t earned that right, who has? There’s just not enough Aubrey Plaza nudity to save this movie.
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates – I’m sold on Zac Efron. But, man – I have to be honest as an objective film critic. This movie sucked ass. Spoiler alert: everyone falls in love and lives happily ever after and it’s so sappy and stupid that I am literally jamming my entire fist down my throat to force regurgitation.
X-Men: Days of Future Apocalypse Past – Another hit from the superhero genre – the Oscars just love a good superhero flick. Low expectations here, but I was actually pleasantly surprised. I’m not really sure why Ivan Ooze was the bad guy in this, but I guess Marvel owns the right to his soul as well? Once I was finally able to put aside the notion that that was Jean Grey and not Sansa Stark, I was able to relax a bit. You know, it all seemed reasonable until Magneto saved the day. That’s just too unrealistic. People murder your entire family, you burn the world to the ground. That’s just how it’s supposed to go. That’s what this movie should have been – Magneto just roasting humans and Apocalypse building pyramids. Nice cameo from Jack Hughman, though.
Neighbors 2 (or, 1 – I couldn’t tell a difference and may have rented the first one by mistake) – Continuing the trend of only watching Zac Efron comedies, I watched one of the Neighbors movies. They are both the exact same movie, so I’m not really sure which one this was. I laughed a few times, though, so…a win?
The Night Before – This was actually my favorite of the bunch that I watched because my cable was out. It’s sappy. It’s stupid. But, it is just the Christmas movie I had been jotting down ideas for since 2006. Seth Rogen just beat me to it. I’m willing to concede he probably has better resources than I do, though. This one really put me in the Christmas spirit.
Throw this in with a strong movie weekend – I bought Wolverine for $2 at Wal-Mart on Thanksgiving night, -AND- Saturday, I went to see Doctor Strange after Thanksgiving, FTW – and I may have earned some credentials as a movie reviewer.
Hopefully, I’ve earned #2 on the depth chart when it comes to movies. If Brandon’s ever unavailable for a Box Office In Your Mouth, maybe I can jump right in and we can touch base on what Zac Efron, Rose Byrne, or Michael Shannon are up to. Will definitely come into play once it comes time to renegotiate my contract at the SoBros Network.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
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