There’s so much news to get to this week in the SoBros news room, but smooth cats like Patrick David Butler keep making headlines. I have a responsibility to the people, “report the news, unbiased, objective, and thoughtful,” so let’s go:
Courtesy of Fox 12 Oregon – “ROCK HILL, SC (WBTV) – A man accused of drinking and driving made an interesting move when police pulled him over early Monday morning. He sprayed body spray in his mouth.
Oh, Patrick. Paaaatrick, Patrick, Patrick – my man, is this your first rodeo? How long have you been drinking and driving? Don’t you know you have to watch out for those curbs that literally line the roads everywhere? Those things will sneak up on you! And, that’s when the police strike – so, when they start following you, you can’t give in to the yellow line in the middle of the road that’s waving and curving all over the place.
So, guy gets pulled over and the cops catch him spraying Axe literally everywhere he can reach, including IN his mouth. I’m gagging as I type this by the way.
A few thoughts on Axe to begin with:
1) Axe does not smell good, and immediately repels women.
2) Axe acquires a part of your soul when you spray it on you. I’m pretty sure I still smell like the Axe that I sprayed on myself in 2002, when I was a sophomore in high school, and thought girls would like me because I smelled good. NEWS FLASH: It didn’t work (but in fairness, I don’t know that it was specifically because of the Axe. It could’ve been because I had a weird goatee, wore the same jacket every day, and hung out under the stairs with Nature Boy after school because we were already old men then and wanted to wait on the traffic to die down before leaving school).
3) I’m pretty sure Axe is what they used to take down King Kong on Skull Island and bring him back to New York City.
Basic life lesson here – not everything tastes the way it smells. I thought people learned that at a very young age, but I guess not. If I drank two beers and a shot of Jack (sure, Patrick – that’s all you had to drink. That will totally cause someone to go 0/3 in field sobriety tests), then followed it up with a tinge of body spray, those cops would have been covered in vomit, and I’d be rotting in jail for it. Also, it’s worth noting, I would’ve just taken a Lyft home in this scenario. I’m not that much of a low-life degenerate anymore.
The effort was impeccable, Patrick, but maybe next time….just don’t drink and drive? Or, at least switch over to Cool Water like a respectable adult man.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
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