Sometimes, a story comes along that reminds us all of exactly what a man will do when trying to make women like him. It’s staggering. Maybe that’s where I went wrong in high school – didn’t try enough. I encountered a lot of wild animals, but I always thought better of engaging them in hand-to-hand combat..anyway, story time:
“Via The Straits Times – What would impress women during a visit to the zoo?
According to a Chinese man, climbing into a giant panda enclosure would do the trick, as he sought to impress his two women companions, reported the South China Morning Post.
Now we know what did it – TWO women companions. God, the pressure of trying to impress just one woman….I can’t imagine have two companions to impress. I mean, I think this guy probably thought this was his lost shot at the menage. Like, the ultimate Hail Mary, he’s probably thinking, “I brought these women to a zoo. Women love zoos. I bought ’em a coke. I even dressed in my finest trousers. NOTHING IS WORKING.” And then the panic set in, and his brain immediately went to “WRESTLE THE NEAREST WILD ANIMAL.” That’s a dark place, folks – the mind of a man who is at his last-ditch effort to impress or woman.
The crucial mistake here – he fought an animal that is literally too cute for people not to empathize with. It’s like in wrestling, you attack a panda, that’s instant heat. The crowd will turn on you in no time. He should have gone after something people revile, like an anaconda. Can you imagine? Just jumping right into the tank with that massive snake and attempting to kill it with your bare hands. Man – I can already hear the panties hitting the floor. At the very least, nearby crowds would be chanting your name.
Not cool, man – clear violation of bro code here. It’s tough sledding out there being a single man in 2016, when your every move is only a click away from being internet fodder.
I’m not sure what our guy here thought he was going to accomplish at this juncture. Was he planning to beat the shit out of a panda as it slept? If so, dude – that is not something anyone finds attractive. Were you attempting to wake it up to announce your intention of fisticuffs? If so, man – I don’t think it’s going to work like that.
You have to do this the honorable way. You jump down into the pit, beat your chest a bit, and holler. Just enough to startle the beast, but not appear like you’re setting up a sneak attack. Should the panda rise, you have to take your medicine – even if that means literally having your arms and legs ripped off of your body. Should the panda back down, dude – that’s your threesome! Bag it. That’s the only way to play this situation and be respectful of all parties involved.
Ah – so, the giant panda was a male. Mei Ling is the real winner here. Probably saw what this man was going for and thought, “man – I can’t maul this guy. Gotta respect the hustle.” It’s a real case of ‘game recognize game.’ That’s real respect, and you know what? We aren’t reading some story about a panda being shot today. China doing things the right way.
I’m proud of what we accomplished here today, but by all means, this headline should definitely read “Man Mauled to Pieces by Giant Panda.”
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
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