Every year, we gather in the warmth of kiss and Ken, to celebrate the vanquishing of Native Americans from the land of the Pilgrims. I’m a bit rusty, so I may need to brush up on my understanding of the history of Thanksgiving, but I think that’s the general idea.
The Pilgrims came to what was then known as American India to slaughter Native Americans with disease, steal their crops but force them to teach the Pilgrims how to grow crops, and then, once they started growing corn, the Pilgrims thought, “man, we were real dicks to these guys.” So, the Pilgrims offered a single potato as thanks and as a sort of half-assed apology for the damage they had done (at this point, so many natives had died, the Pilgrims looked like real assholes and kind of had to apologize). Since potatoes were considered prime currency in the 1930s (when all of this transpired), the Native Americans instantly forgave the Pilgrims, and were even spotted wearing Pilgrim hats at their childrens’ bar mitzvahs.
Bet y’all didn’t realize Rooster wasn’t the only history expert at this site.
Anyway, we’re all thankful for our friends and family. They freaking rule – we love them. But, let’s get a little more creative. Here’s my top 5 things you don’t realize you should be thankful for this Thanksgiving:
5. Cigar shop employees – Yeah, seriously – when a guy that works at a cigar shop offers to clip your cigars, you do it. Ten out of ten times. If not, you’ll end up with half-assed clipped cigars with bits of leaves unravelling, and the whole thing just turns into a shitshow.
4. Zac Efron – Can we just take a moment to appreciate the sense of humor on Zac Efron? I mean, really…our cable has been down for a week now so we’ve been Redboxing nothing but Zac Efron movies, and the guy is both funny and jacked. I dare say he’s the perfect man. Good for that sonofabitch.
3. John Goodman – I know, I’ve gone people back-to-back here, but hot damn – how can you not love John Goodman? He has to be one of the most underrated, versatile actors in Hollywood. Not to mention, he’s fairly above-average handsome for a man of his age and girth. You go, John Goodman!
2. The stars – I know, I’m a bit of a romantic. Feel free to swoon right now….but I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve spent, staring at the stars, contemplating life’s trials and tribulations. It’s helped immensely. If I call one of those star-naming companies, I get to own one, right? I may do that. Make time to think on ocassion.
1. Our local bars – I mean, seriously – where else would we run to escape the real world? Hopefully, you all have that place where you can run to where everybody knows your name and you can hide from bills and responsibility. Actually, hopefully, you aren’t all alcoholics like us…..anyway….
And, of course, it wouldn’t be our annual Thanksgiving piece without turning it over to the SoBros faithful:
From SoBro Poppa Bear: Mike Leach press conferences
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Avh3l1K8xmA&w=560&h=315]
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5J6YKPwkr9I&w=560&h=315]
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwSvfeFG2W8&w=560&h=315]
….and PJ Fleck.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iC6KcQxmZE&w=560&h=315]
Stoney’s thoughts: #RowTheBoat
From SoBro Remmy: What about how awesome smartphones have become?
Stoney’s thoughts: It’s true. Just last week, I sat down and watched an entire football game ON TWITTER. Now, I’m sure that’s not all that Remmy was talking about when he said this, but just know I’m 100% on board with this reason to be thankful.
From SoBro Rooster: Rain. Fuck you, drought.
Stoney’s thoughts: Yes, on 100. I’ve got a YUGE burn pile, but haven’t been able to light anything up because of this drought. Sucks.
From Matt in Nashville: I complain about it for sure, but ur job or jobs. Well, maybe hahahaha
Stoney’s thoughts: Been there before, Matt. Sometimes, it’s easy to get lost in the shuffle, but we all should definitely stop and be thankful that we have an opportunity to provide for ourselves and our families.
From Amy in Nashville: tissues. right now i’m very thankful for tissues.
Stoney’s thoughts: Yes. Especially at this time of the year, tissues may as well be currency. If you have tissues November-February, you are a made man/woman.
From Amber in Nashville: Our freedom. We take this for granted so often!
Stoney’s thoughts: *stands and salutes* Amen.
I just want you guys to look at this exchange between Richie and Troy in Nashville:
Stoney’s thoughts: Just look at the profile pictures here – this is hilarious. I’m just thankful for this Alabama-Tennessee rivalry as a whole, but I have to give the edge to Richie here. I’m not sure if people realize they’re watching the greatest college football coach of all time at Alabama right now. That’s worth stopping to appreciate. Sorry, Troy – you still have….Butch Jones….right?
And then, our boy @y2stump:
Indoor plumbing https://t.co/31oRsyFzKp
— *Insert Clever Name (@y2stump) November 16, 2016
Stoney’s thoughts: Indoor plumbing is a recurring theme here, and for good reason. Can you imagine if we all still had to shit in buckets? Just think of the smell. Think of the children. Is this the world we’d imagined for them? No. Hell no. I’ll be thankful for indoor plumbing until the day I die.
From Brett in Nashville (sorry, y’all but Brett wins this year based on this shit): I was recently watching a documentary series on Netflix about the world worst’s prisons. It’s about a man who voluntarily enters the prisons and lives among the inmates to get a real feel of what it is like to be there. The first episode is about a prison in Honduras (the murder capitol of the world), which is supposed to hold around 200 prisoners, but currently has over 700.
The man is initially brought into the prison and searched by guards. Once the guards are done with him, he goes into the actual population where there are no guards, but instead enforcers. Enforcers are prisoners who have been assigned to enforce the rules of the prison with wooden batons and seem to do a pretty good job of preventing riots and conflict within the prison.
The man who is doing the documentary (we’ll call him Steve) is then introduced to the main enforcer, searched even more thoroughly (butthole and all). Steve is then introduced to his cell and then another enforcer who is over cell B22. Cell B22 is designed to hold 7 people, but currently houses 22.
At this point the enforcer gives Steve his “job.” This is where it gets interesting. The prison’s toilets don’t actually run. It’s the standard porcelain toilet you see in most American houses, but water does not run through it and people do their business in it. Instead, they have to take buckets of water from the other side of the prison and use those “flush” the toliet, besides any solid waste which goes into a 5 gallon bucket.
So not only is Steve responsible for flushing the toliet, but he also has to take the solid waste bucket and dump it in a disgusting garbage can within the prison. When Steve does this for the first time some used toliet paper did not make into the trash can, and he says “I’m not picking that up.” To which one of the enforcers replies “You need to pick that up.”
Let me also add Steve had no gloves. So, this Thanksgiving I’m thankful for prison toilets with running water.
Stoney’s thoughts: I have an empty head of amazement right now. Ho.Ly.Shit.
Finally, our girl SoBro Rooster bringing the heat: Also, Joe Biden memes.
If you need further reason to be thankful, check out last year’s piece. Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
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