Those of you who are friends of the SoBros Network know that I am an 80-year old man trapped in a 30-year old man’s body. Or, conversely, I could be an 80-year old woman trapped in the equivalent of a 60-year old man’s body. I’m not sure how to work this metaphor.
Regardless, sometimes, hip trends pass me by. My girlfriend tells me I’m not fashionable, but I’m actually deceptively fashionable (when I try), but I’m more of an old school fashion guy – classic looks done right. I’ve gone off on a tangent here, but stick with me. I don’t know what kids are wearing these days. I had a mullet into the year 2000, I still prefer Super Nintendo to any other gaming machine (that’s what they’re called, right?), and I always keep a stock of Werther’s Originals at my desk, FTW. Also, I didn’t get a smart phone until March of 2016, when I realized I had to have one for work.
So, you can see how this idea that Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest bar night of the year slipped under my radar.
I just don’t get it. Why would you want to go out the night before one of the 2-3 greatest holidays of the year? I’m much more of a relax, watch some Charlie Brown Thanksgiving or catch up on classic WWE Survivor Series pay-per-views, get cozy in my jammies, drink hot chocolate, and go to bed early. I mean, fuck, how do people drink all night and then wake up in time for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? That’s just ridiculous.
But, nonetheless, according to esteemed knowledge bank Wikipedia, “Blackout Wednesday (or “Black Wednesday,” “Drinksgiving,” or “Thanksgiving Eve”) is a pejorative term for the night before the Thanksgiving holiday in the United States, which is always a Thursday. It is associated with binge drinking since very few people work on Thanksgiving, and most university students are home to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday with their families.[1] The name refers to “blacking out”, memory loss due to excessive alcohol intoxication. In Chicago in particular, Blackout Wednesday is sometimes a more popular partying night than even New Year’s Eve or Saint Patrick’s Day.[1] In some cities, it is the top drunk driving night of the year.“
There’s no end to the things that young people will ruin.
You stinky, aimless rabble-rousers need to be home with your families (assuming they aren’t all dead), and helping your fucking elders prepare glorious sustenance in turkey form. But, wait – it gets worse.
According to the New York Post – It’s an especially prime time for millennials. Davis adds that Thanksgiving Eve falls in the middle of “cuffing season,” when Gen Y-ers find a special someone to cuddle with as the temperature drops.”
You mean to tell me young people are actually trying to HAVE SEX at the holidays?!?!? What in the rightful fuck is this world coming to? How have I missed this tradition in the 30 years of my life?
I mean, I’ve been to plenty of bars on Thanksgiving night, but that’s so much different.
Oh, is that what this is about? Being young, wild, and free? Give me a break – show some damn respect for Thanksgiving. And besides, most young people don’t have to work on Thanksgiving, because most young people don’t have jobs because they’re lazy Milleniums! That’s such a young person’s mantra, too. “Be carefree and don’t worry about repercussions.” Motherfucker. I bet a young person wrote this shit!
Okay, that’s actually really sweet – have a single tear trickling down my cheek right now and a pumpkin-sized lump in my throat.
I have totally changed my mind on Blackout Wednesday. It sounds like a real blasty blast. Just remember, this Thanksgiving Eve – have fun, stay safe, and eat da booty.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
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