Christmas is just around the corner, and you undoubtedly have a list of assholes a mile wide to buy for. Well, don’t fret – we have you covered. It’s what we do here – take care of the people. So, the mega minds that form the SoBros Network got together and manufactured the finest holiday shopping guide you will EVER find on any of the internets.
The Top 10 Gifts for Humans This December
10. A marshmallow gun – I’d say go for a real gun, but it’s Christmas…I’d hate to run the risk of someone getting shot during such a warm time of year. Otherwise, no one ever gets shot at Christmastime. Best not to chance it – go for the next best thing, a marshmallow gun. It’s almost a real gun, but shoots marshmallows (often sold separately) instead of bullets that can kill people. For both the gun enthusiast and child on your shopping list.
9. “Sugarless gummy bears are always a classic” – via Rubber Rooster – Not wrong here. Not by any stretch of the imagination. This is the perfect gift for the person on your list that you absolutely, legitimately hate. Just read some of the Amazon reviews. I’m with Rooster here. The entertainment value for all involved in this gift is priceless.
8. “Massage gift certificate from Rustin Cohle” – via Cadbury – I’m confused, Cadbury…is Rust giving the massage? Or, is Rust giving the gift certificate? Either way, a lot of shit can go sideways with Rust Cohle is involved, but I’m in. Just a hypnotic performance, and I’m DTF no matter the consequences.
7. “A life-like Christopher Walken to dance on my dashboard” – via Nature Boy – Can you imagine how pleasant your morning commute would be with a miniature, realistic Christopher Walken dancing on your dashboard? Never a dull moment. I mean, this seems like some sort of dark, voodoo magic, but it is the season of miracles, so I guess just ask for it anyway?
6. The Best of DMX – I’ve been on a YUGE DMX kick lately – not sure why, but something about “Party Up” just gets the blood flowing. They don’t call me twinkle toes for nothing, and that song is an immediate trigger. But, “X Gon Give It To Ya” is a classic, too. Well, you’re in luck – about ten years ago, they made a CD of all of DMX’s greatest hits. Since CDs are the next big thing in music, you know what to do. Buy ’em up!
^In case y’all want a good look at the track listing.
5. “The Tipsy Elves humping reindeer sweaters are excellent” – via Remmy – Tipsy Elves has some “real quality items” as Cousin Eddie would say, but the humping reindeer really take the cake.
4. Donald Trump novelty coins – via Rubber Rooster – These are pretty funny, and topical to boot! Where could you possibly go wrong? No way you’re offending anyone – Trump’s detractors will still find it humorous, and his supporters will think it’s really cool, if not the actual next American currency.
3. Drugs – Like money, you just can’t go wrong with good old-fashioned drugs. Whatever you can get from your local street dealer, I’m sure someone on your shopping list will appreciate it. It’s best to study up on your regional favorites, though. Here in Tennessee, we LOVE meth. It’s a bit riskier than most drugs, but totally worth it for the smiles on their faces.
2. “Having all of the Shoney’s shut down while opening up brand new Mrs. Winners “restaurants”” – via Nature Boy – You know, I don’t really know where Nature Boy came up with this idea, but I’m all in. I don’t know how you pull this off, but there aren’t any Mrs. Winners anywhere anymore, and all of the biscuits and sweet tea I’ve had since their Leftovers-esque departure are just second rate. If you can do this for me, I’d be so grateful. I can’t be alone.
“Shoot for the moon. Think about it – if you miss, you’ll be on top of the world.” -Pitbull, I think
1. Exoverse Products – Have you guys seen the bluetooth headphones or tablet stand that Exoverse offers? Shop around. Like ’em on Facebook. Help support a growing business. There’s nothing more American.
Happy Holidays, y’all!
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
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