You know, I’ve often wondered, “do I have to work?” Like, “how hard could it possibly be to be a criminal these days and just take money from people?” I think the answer to that questions is pretty evident.
It’s not as easy as it looks. Just ask our guy Sean Torres here.
Via The West Volusia Beacon – “Evidently taking a cue from the Looney Tunes school of criminal enterprising, a suspect in a Deltona robbery tried to evade Volusia County sheriff’s deputies by telling them “the guy who did it went that way” while neck-deep in pond water.”
You know how people say, “there’s a reason it’s cliche” because something is so common? Well, how the fuck do you think saying “the guy who did it went that way” made it onto Looney Tunes!?!? Because it works! Really, it’s like football players these days – they never go back and study the fundamentals. I’m talkin’ Otto Graham back in the 50s. So, props to this guy for looking back at criminals of yesteryear and applying that technique in 2016. How did it pan out?
“Alas, the bold plan proved unconvincing.”
Ah, shit! Didn’t see that one coming!
“The Volusia County Sheriff’s Office was alerted of an attempted robbery at the Family Dollar store at 951 Doyle Road at around 8:30 Saturday night.
Deputies learned a white male with his shirt on his head and a large “Loyalty” tattoo on his stomach demanded money from the store clerk.
When the clerk denied the demand, the suspect threatened to shoot him, and reached into the back of his shorts as if he had a gun, before turning tail and running away empty-handed.
The VCSO’s Air One helicopter arrived in the area quickly and spotted a person near the edge of a pond next to the store.”
Boom – I’ve identified our boy’s biggest mistake right off the bat. What’s more identifiable than your face? Oh, I don’t know, maybe a giant tattoo that reads “loyalty” across your stomach! Man, at that point, you just have to show your face and take your lumps.
Plus, dontcha know? Family Dollars in Florida are ALWAYS getting robbed. That’s the worst place you could possibly pick to rob. I’m pretty sure there’s always a cop car in the Family Dollar parking lot. That’s just where shit is most likely to pop off.
“The helicopter crew guided deputies and a K-9 unit to the area, prompting the suspect to actually submerge himself in the pond.
When confronted by deputies, the suspect first tried explaining that he was “just fishing” and that his fishing pole was in the water. He eventually surrendered with his hands up and slowly trudged back to land, saying he did not want to be bitten and would not hurt K-9 Jago.
And for what it’s worth, according to Sheriff’s Office spokesman Andrew Gant, the owner of the property with the pond told deputies he’d never seen the suspect before and never gave him permission to go fishing.”
Am I the only one who thinks this was a genius move?!?! Just what I would’ve done in the situation. That’s called quick decision-making, folks. Here come the cops! Oh SHIT – LOOK AT THIS! AN ENTIRE POND OF WATER TO HIDE IN! Man, that’s the way to do it, if of course, you can hold your breath for an hour at a time. I would’ve gone for it, too. It just made too much sense not to. Where are the cops going to look? Land or sea? Definitely land.
“Back on land, deputies arrested 29-year-old Sean Torres of Daytona Beach, and the Family Dollar clerk identified him as the suspect who tried to rob the store.
While in the back of a patrol car, according to Gant, Torres repeatedly shouted and threw himself against the interior, kicking the doors, damaging the vehicle and causing it to rock.
In addition to a robbery charge, Torres was taken to the Volusia County Branch Jail on a charge of criminal mischief.”
You know what – I get it. You’re going down….might as well put up a fight. Let them know just who the fuck they just arrested.
I thought this story was going to be disheartening, but I’m leaving it kind of inspired to be honest.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
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