I’ve oft been referred to as an “animal whisperer” of sorts – I don’t know what it is, but most any animal I encounter immediately befriends me. I’ve made friends with dogs, cats, and turtles alike. I’ve been called a gentle soul and a tender man, so that’s probably the biggest reason for it.
And, for the most part, I think animals can tell that I would rather be them than me, so there’s a bit of empathy there. This wild beaver is no different:
“In St. Mary’s County, Md., at least one badly behaved beaver is ready for holiday shopping.
The beaver was apprehended at a dollar store in Charlotte Hall, Md., the St. Mary’s County Sheriff’s Office said in a statement, apparently after browsing the selection of artificial Christmas trees and trashing the place.
The “suspect attempted to flee the area,” as the sheriff’s office put it in a statement, but it was apprehended by animal control and released to an animal rehabilitator — hopefully not just to be released into the wild, but to be taught basic shopping etiquette.
“All joking aside, the beaver was safely rescued by animal control and released to wildlife rehabilitation,” authorities tweeted.
First things first, this is no matter to joke about, Washington Post. “Attempted to flee the area,” is patronizing to beavers, and I won’t allow it. I am offended.
But, little beaver guy, bud – you have to know you can’t go into a dollar store hunting for real Christmas trees. I get it – desperate times call for desperate measures. You need to build your dam, you don’t care where you’re raiding from, you HAVE to get Christmas trees.
And yes, for those of you who didn’t know this, beavers LOVE Christmas trees because they’re the easiest trees to use for constructing dams. The limbs are just the right size, and they smell freaking great, too. I’m a human, and I kind of want to live in a Christmas tree.
If I am either building a habitat or looking to decorate my living room, HELL NO I don’t want the fake shit. I want the real thing. So, I stand with this beaver. Though, one of us would probably be more mature about the situation. I would politely remind the dollar store that I’m taking my money to Lowe’s upon exiting the facility. But, that’s the main difference between me and beavers. The beaver’s going to rampage and tear the store apart because all the beaver knows is action and violence…I mean, just look at the damage here:
The media sensationalizes a lot of things, but this, friends, is no such case of that. And, look at this face again:
Tell me that face doesn’t scream, “WTF IS THIS SHIT?!” This is the look of a beaver on the brink of snapping, and that’s just what he did. That’s called making a statement, folks.
Also – “The beaver was apprehended” – isn’t that a Donald Trump quote? HEYO!
Stoney Keeley is the Editor in Chief of The SoBros Network. He is a strong supporter of Team GSD and #BeBetter. “Big Natural” covers the Tennessee Titans, Nashville, and a whole wealth of nonsense. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley
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