Boy, oh boy – the animal kingdom continues to fight back after that guy punched that kangaroo. First, it was this badass goat wrecking a grocery store, and now the moose of Canadia are starting to lick vehicles dry because they just love salt so damn much.
Courtesy of News Talk 770 (CHQR) – “It sounds like a sitcom storyline aimed to poke fun of Canadians, but Alberta Parks has issued a sincere warning about moose licking vehicles in Kananaskis.
The warning, issued Monday, explains moose have been spotted in the Chester Lake and Burstall Pass trailhead parking lots trying to lick salt from the sides of vehicles.
The warning goes on to remind visitors the recommended viewing distance for moose is 30 metres, and that you should not try to push moose away from vehicles. Instead visitors are told to use their car horns or remote car alarms to deter moose away.
There is no end date to the warning.”
I’d rather be licked by a moose than by a mooseknuckle, amiright?!?!
If you thought I was going to make Canadian jokes about this story, you’ve got it all wrong. That’s just too damn easy. This is just quality news service, folks. I’m sharing this PSA for all of our readers in Kansasiskas, Alberta Canadia.
And, shame on you, News Talk 770 – this DOES sound like something out of a campy sitcom. But, you’re better than that. You don’t have to mention it. Reminds me of the source in our Peruvian Santa story. Just get in, give us the news, and get out. We don’t need your hokey anecdotes.
But, all that being said, I do have to come in with a swift Stone Cold Stunner for Canadians. I mean, seriously – who has to be reminded to stay the fuck away from a wild moose? They’re essentially saying, “you guys shouldn’t get too close, but definitely…definitely, don’t try and physically push the wild moose.” If I saw a damn moose in the wild, lickin’ all over my shiny ass Altima, it could keep the thing. You’d just see me politely toss my keys at its hooves, break into another car, and hide there until it was safe to come out. That sonofabitch can have all the salt it wants off my car.
Or, better yet, you know what else you could do? You could try and befriend the moose and convince it to lick the salt off of someone else’s vehicle. Seems risky, but if you’re an animal whisperer like me, it should be a piece a cake.
Worst case scenario – you end up trampled dead by a moose and the best thing about being dead is that you don’t feel pain anymore, so it’s a real win-win no matter what.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
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