Well, back to the grind for us here at The SoBros Network, and part of that grind includes providing you all with the latest social commentary and trying to just…y’know….start conversations and provoke deeper thought and reflection and shit.
It’s 2016 – there’s a lot of wild ideas out there, folks. But, this is one any of you working in an office setting need to be aware of.
Courtesy of the Edmonton Sun – “Masturbation breaks should become a new workplace trend, according to a new report.
Taking a few minutes to de-stress and “relieve tension” while on the job could actually boost productivity and make employees happier, psychology professor Mark Sergeant of Nottingham Trent University told Metro U.K.
Dr. Cliff Arnall, a psychologist and life coach, agreed with that assessment.
“I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling,” Dr. Arnall told Metro U.K. “Certainly taking a masturbation break for boredom or an escape would increase work focus.”
The topic of work masturbation breaks came up in the wake of a survey by Guyfi, described as a masturbation booth popup, that found 40% of workers in New York already take such breaks while clocked in. Earlier polls by Time Out New York and Glamour, respectively, discovered that 39% of men said they masturbated at work while 31% of women made time for some self-love.
And an article by Ravishly stated that workplace masturbation “is the new smoke break” and called it a good way to “boost output and creativity.”
Well, well, well – if it isn’t ol’ psychology rearing its ugly head. Seems like everything comes back to sex in the psychology field. Knew there was a reason I studied it for four years and got a degree in it.
It seems like this may be a bit of a reach here, though. Is the average American worker that depressed and bored that people are now just bouncing around any idea they can think of to improve morale? The answer to that is, of course, “yes.” A ton of people hate their jobs. Still, what’s the process behind this? Are psychologists just sitting around thinking about things that make people happy and proposing ways to introduce those things into the workplace?
“Orgasms make people happy! Let’s tell our employees to orgasm on the clock!”
If that’s what they’re doing, how do I lobby for drinking alcohol on the clock? Can I lobby for a WWE Network break next?
I will say that masturbating is much more healthy than smoking, but I’m not a life coach. Maybe I should be. I mean, if telling someone to crank it makes you a life coach, then I’ve been one for years.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told a friend they need to get laid. Or, “damn it, man – go take care of that boner! No one wants to see that shit in the kitchen!” You know – just normal stuff like that. But, that’s how guys are. Men get all grumpy and pent up and unbearable to be around and then -poof- a little bit of tuggin’ and they’re a brand new man, just like Brooks and Dunn used to sing about.
I can’t speak from the woman’s perspective, but from my experience, I’m thinking most women are probably disgusted by this prospect.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news to Mr. Sargeant here, but “masturbation breaks” are already happening, bud. I’ve been in an office setting for almost four years now, and I’ve had friends that have admitted to this all along the way. At a certain point you just know….”well, ______ is either taking the dump of a lifetime or he’s rubbing one out.”
And, boy – nothing gets me in the mood quite like a humid room where people piss, puke, and shit. Personally, my idea is this: if masturbation breaks are replacing smoke breaks, why not just keep the same designated area? All the “smokers” can just go stand out in the alley to get their fix. You could even have a conversation, make a new friend, and blow off steam together – JUST like smoking.
But seriously, where else can you go? It has to be the bathroom. Bravo to the people who can pull this off successfully – just sitting in your stall while people come and go around you. Oh yeah, and your boy Jeff’s in the stall next to you shitting his brains out. All without breaking your concentration. More power to you, I guess. Think I’ll just sit that out, though.
So, let’s say this does become a socially acceptable practice – how does a manager break this to his team? You call a team meeting and just say, “Guys – thanks for all of your hard work. As a reward, you’ll now be allowed masturbation breaks. We prefer you use the alley out behind the building where you used to take your smoke breaks. Way to go!”
The world is a very odd place, man.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
Follow us on Twitter @SoBrosNetwork
