Look – we all get fed up every once in a while, right? Tired of bill after bill after bill, with no money left over to support your #GinFriday habit. That boss of your’s is just breathing down your throat….wait….neck….it’s definitely neck. I forgot the saying for a second…if your boss is breathing down your throat, that’s an entirely different issue and I would recommend contacting HR. You’re being introduced to a 4-year old kid saying you’re his dad/mom that you weren’t aware of even existing.
My point is – there’s a lot of stuff out there that can make you want to turn tail and run for the hills. But, the next time you complain about something and suggest you’re just going to “up and walk away from it all,” I’ll be here to tell you to sit your bitch butt back down, listen to some jazz, drink a nice cup of Sleepytime tea, and quit running your mouth. You ain’t shit.
Courtesy of AskMen.com – “Next time you hear someone bragging about their big hike, tell them they need to up their game. They’ve got absolutely nothing on Canadian Anton Pilipa, who is believed to have walked almost 6,500 miles from his Toronto home to the Amazon.
6,500 FUCKING MILES?!?! Are you serious? That’s dedication. That’s next-level life abandonment. Anton Pilipa is elite – the gold standard of running away from your problems, which has been proven by magazines to be an effective way of handling adversity in life. The times get tough? Just bury your head in the sand until times get better. Anton Pilipa is living proof of that!
It’s an incredible feat, but for his family it’s close to a miracle that Anton has been found alive. He was last seen in 2012, before walking and hitch-hiking his way to South America, often barefoot and with just the clothes he was wearing.
I’ve been barefoot for about 30 years now. I don’t see any better way of traveling, personally. Like, you’re comfortable, and you don’t have to worry about your shoes getting soggy with sweat by the time you hit Michigan.
His brother Stefan told CBC Toronto news that Anton was suffering from mental illness when he disappeared.
Damn it. Now, I can’t make fun of this story anymore. Seriously, way to be a buzzkill. I’m a strong advocate for mental health and erasing the stigma associated with it, but I can’t say that and then crack jokes about this story.
That’s how people get in trouble on the Internet. So, just pretend that mental health has nothing to do with this story. This is called turning a blind eye – something America has gotten really fuckin’ good at.
“I found myself being really frustrated all the time, always having that aching question”, said Stefan. “’Where is he? What happened to him?’”
His family had all but given up hope and most believed that he was dead. But he was spotted walking along a highway near the Amazonian city of Manaus by Canadian-Brazilian police officer Helenice Vidigal.
See! Run from your problems and eventually, everyone will just be like, “ummmm I dunno. I guess he’s dead.” Guess what – bill collectors stop calling you when you’re dead.
Your stupid boss can’t breathe anywhere into or onto your body if you’re dead (not technically true – I don’t want to get into this, but I just want to note that I noticed the flaw in my argument here. That way, no one else can point it out. It’s like when you’re in high school and you get a bad haircut. If you come out and say, “look at my stupid ass bowl cut,” then people tend to back off a bit. It’s not funny if you make of yourself first. I’m just trying to keep the haters out of my Twitter mentions with their, “oh no – they can still breathe on or in you if you’re dead” bullshit).
And finally, if you’re dead, you never have to acknowledge any illegitimate children you may or may not have.
“I knew he didn’t belong to that road. Anton is a different type from us Brazilians, he stands out,” she said.
Anton had no ID or passport, but Vidigal recognized him as Canadian and was able to alert his family back in Toronto.
So, I have to give a tip of the ol’ top hat to Helenice here. This is the definition of clutch. I mean, I don’t know how hard it really is to spot a Canadian in a country full of Brazilians. But, for Helenice to spot this guy and be like, “he’s Canadian and probably needs help,” well, that’s just frozen ice water in her veins.
However, before his family had arrived, Anton fled into the Amazon jungle.
Damn it, Anton! You settle down! Is this guy like Frank Abagnale, Jr. or what?! By the way, totally fine with this being a sequel to Catch Me If You Can. Leo playing Anton, and Tom Hanks playing Helenice. Make it happen, Hollywood.
“That is the area where we talk about huge predators like crocodiles and jungle cats. We truly were afraid he could be eaten by one of those animals,” said Vidigal.
That’s just stone cold not givin’ a fuck, Helenice. I’m trying to think of how bad things would have to be for me to seriously consider doing something like this. I mean, it would be hard for me to get so angry I’d walk home…and that’s just like 10 miles from work. Seriously, this is why we have guns in America – you get upset, you just start shooting. You don’t have to walk anywhere or actually do anything. If you’re worried about the environment and not shooting trees and shit, you can just fire your weapon straight up into the sky.
I’m also going to rat myself out a little bit here because I think it’s funny. When I first read this headline, I thought, “bullshit – no way anybody can walk to Africa.” Then, I immediately realized that the Amazon is in South America. This is what happens when you get old, people. One foot in the grave.
By the way, the story turned out fine – Anton got arrested, returned to Canada, and they’re trying to find him a nice place to live and get treatment, presumably NOT in the jungle.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
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