I already know what you’re thinking. “Stoney, this story is totes adorbz. What business do you have chiming in with your stupid political agenda?” Well, listen – in this day and age of fake news, I’m just saying we need to be careful, look at the facts of a case, and discern what actually makes sense. Was that really Lady Gaga at the Grammys last night or was that fake news? Is the Earth really round or is that fake news? Do I really weigh 270 pounds or is my scale at home fake news? Is there really only 70 calories in a Werther’s Original or is caloric science fake news, too? Pay. Attention.
I’m just trying to get you sheep to actually look into something instead of just believing some news article. Anyway…
Courtesy of stuff – “A hedgehog, suspected of drunkenness and with a yoghurt pottle on its head, has been given a stern talking to by police in Arrowtown.
My main point here is that if I were to stumble about town, naked, with a yogurt pottle on my head (editor’s note (even though I am the editor, I felt the need to clarify): what the fuck is a ‘pottle?’), I would get much more than a stern talking to.
I would get thrown in jail – and do you know what they do to thick ass dudes with shapely butts in jail? Especially someone as pretty as me, with an ass that doesn’t have a single ounce of cellulite on it. An ass that 2 Chainz would classify as ‘yams.’ I’d be played around with like a kite in a tornado. Worst of all, I’m SUPER nice and laid back, so I would have to just take it. You never know when you’re going to need a friend in prison, so these are important relationships to build and to have.
Anyway, I’m not saying that’s what should happen to this hedgehog, but at the very least, this hedgehog should be thrown in the drunk tank.
A posting on the police Facebook page records that the hedgehog was “looking very drunk and walking into things”.
“After a brief foot pursuit the subject was cornered and the yoghurt pot removed. Crime prevention advice provided about going through other people’s rubbish. Lived to fight another day,” police said.”
So, what I’m gathering out of this story is that the next time I nakedly crawl into a dumpster and emerge with a Little Caesar’s pizza box on my head, the police will come get me out of my bind and tell the neighbors to be more responsible with their trash?
Gotta be kidding me here – this is a double standard if I have ever seen one.
“This is not the first time we’ve dealt with disoriented hedgehogs, but we hope the prevention advice given will see a decrease in hedgehog food container related incidents.”
And, worse, it’s happened before?!?!?! This is systemic speciesism. I am being discriminated against simply because I am not a hedgehog. Preposterous – what kind of world do we live in?
The posting went up on Monday afternoon and by Tuesday morning had been watched 65,000 times.
“You guys are awesome,” one commenter said. “First pawpatrol and now hedge hog rescue.”
“Well done. That was quite a prickly situation,” said another.”
I’m glad that people think it’s okay to make light of such tragic situations. I would never be able to live with myself if I, personally, made light of things like this. It’s a miscarriage of justice, and I will not stand for it.
And, finally, people – clean up your shit. The gotdamn hedgehogs are getting stuck in yogurt bowls out there.
PS. There’s video of the “struggle” at that link above. And it is totes adorbz.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
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