Every now and then, your boy Big Natural has to step up and throw around that #BeBetter. It’s an important hashtag that symbolizes the improvement that we, as society, need to make. I’ve thrown it at Twitter trolls who read the headlines on this site and comment as if they read the story, but didn’t. BREAKING NEWS: We’re pretty nonsensical, satirical, and humorous – so, you Twitter trolls just became those guys who comment on The Onion articles as if they’re real news.
It’s just….well….no one has really heard of us.
Anyway, I’ve also thrown it at people who steal forks from the work kitchen. I’ve thrown it at myself for tiring out at nine pushups when I set out to do 100. It’s a simple mantra with a dose of reality.
Today, I’m throwing it at someone who really needs the #BeBetter movement in his/her life.
Coca-Cola has called in police to investigate how human waste turned up in a consignment of its drink cans at one of the company’s factories in Northern Ireland.
Damn it, people. Who done shitted in the Coca-Cola cans? And, maybe most importantly, why?
You know – I’m just going to put this out there. We haven’t really heard from Bam Margera in a while – does anyone know of his whereabouts? This seems like something they could just be filming for the new season of hot new TV reality series, Viva La Bam.
I’d go with Steve-O, but let’s be honest – if Steve-O was up to this, he’d be wearing it proudly. Or, could it be the Coca-Cola polar bear’s shit? If so, then it’s kind of adorable and forgivable. Randy Orton loves to shit in things, but he’s probably busy given it’s Wrestlemania week.
I’m also a little alarmed by how flippantly our author at The Guardian here phrases this occurrence. Like, it sounds so casual, as if HUMAN SHIT can just ‘turn up’ somewhere! It kind of makes me nervous – what if human shit just turns up under my desk?
Actually, forgive my thinking out loud here, if human shit just ‘turns up’ under my desk without my knowledge, I may need to go see a doctor.
^See what we just did here, folks. That’s called thinking through a scenario. Use that skill more in your day to day life.
The soft drinks giant said it impounded all the affected cans and that the contamination did not affect any products that were on sale. The cans arrive at the factory without tops, to be filled with the fizzy drink before they are sealed and sold across Northern Ireland.
Hmm…so it sounds to me like this happened BEFORE the cans got to Coca-Cola. How is that for professional detective level deductive reasoning skills?
The police should probably look into WHERE the cans came from. That might be a good start. See? I could be a detective, but I choose to blog about human shit for a living.
Also, good on Coca-Cola for impounding these cans and NOT shipping them out to stores. That would probably be a bad look. Good call, guys.
“The problem was identified immediately through our robust quality procedures and all of the product from the affected production was immediately impounded and will not be sold. This is an isolated incident and does not affect any products currently on sale.”
I would imagine it would be a pretty immediate identification process. I mean, I’m no expert, but I can say with certainty that I know when human shit is present from the moment I step into a room.
Stoney Keeley is the editor of the SoBros Network, Tennessee Titans Featured Analyst for Pro Football Spot, Contributor to FanSided’s Bama Hammer, and covers the WWE for WrestlingNews.co. Follow on Twitter @StoneyKeeley, @PFSpot, @WrestlingNewsCo, @Bama_Hammer
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