Can't Make Fun of Grown Men and Their Toy Light Sabers Anymore

Nothing like a good old fashioned light saber brawl to the (fake) death. Used to have ’em all the time, even into my 20s. As a matter of fact, on my 19th birthday, we lit up a bonfire, dug up the toy light sabers and had a memorable light saber duel tournament that was at least 30 losers deep.

Bottom line: I have absolutely no shame (well….regarding a lot of things actually) when it comes to being a kid. Fuck, guys – how stupid is it to say you miss the freedom of childhood when YOU ARE A GROWN ADULT AND CAN LITERALLY DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!??!?

I see a Braun Strowman action figure on the shelf, I’m like “oh shit – that’s cool. Hey, I happen to be a grown fucking adult with a job that pays me money. I’m going to buy this thing because I think it’s cool and I don’t really give a damn what people think of me.”

Well, people like me have long been chastised for being “nerds” or “losers” or “fat,” but now all you haters are about to learn a lesson courtesy of some fine North Carolina folks…

Courtesy of The Charlotte Observer:

Police in Rock Hill charged a teen with assault after she used tried to slash her stepfather, who defended himself with a toy light saber, a police report states.

In the incident late Thursday at apartment on Celanese Road, officers were called to secure the scene for emergency medical officials.

In interviewing people there, officers found that there was a physical altercation between a 17-year-old female, Kayla Knapp, and her stepfather, the Rock Hill police report shows.

Witnesses told officers there was an argument, and that Knapp used two kitchen knives from a knife stand in an attempt to slash the stepfather, the report says.

The stepfather picked up a plastic toy light saber, hitting Knapp with it several times to protect himself before the altercation ended, the report says.

Knapp was charged with assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature, the report states. No other charges were filed.

So, you guys know me by now – I’m going to “make light” of things that seem pretty terrible, or as I like to call it, I’m just an optimist who sees the silver lining in things.

That said, not sure how you end up in this kind of situation where your stepdaughter is trying to gut you open in the kitchen and it just so happens that a TOY LIGHT SABER is handy. It seems like you might want to reevaluate your life choices, but hey – to each his own.

Not just one, mind you, but TWO kitchen knives came at this man and his toy light saber saved the day. Kudos, brother – hopefully all you people hating on grown people and their toys will shit your pieholes now.

Also, is this the man or the stepdaughter?

I’m not trying to be funny here, people. Don’t judge me – just real, honest curiosity.

*PS – I caught my typo, but “shit your pieholes” was too funny for me to take out.