Don't You Hate It When a Grizzly Bear Keeps You From Meeting Your Parole Officer?

So, maybe Boyd just took an extended vacation? And, yeah – indefinitely suspended is definitely NOT losing your job. Are these things you should really be sharing with your parole officer? I mean, come on – respect the man’s privacy. Where you are is none of your parole officer’s business. I think Boyd really did a lot for his credibility when he admitted that he didn’t remain in contact with his parole officer.

Still, shame on Mr. LaMere here – he’s clearly taking advantage of a grizzly bear attack victim.

“He hit me like a Volkswagen with fur,” Boyd told the court. Boyd said he triggered the bear attack after blaring an air horn when it got too close. He claims he spent the next three weeks pulling himself out of the woods with a dislocated shoulder and memory loss. During the process, Boyd also claimed he stepped on a hornets’ nest, which he said he was allergic to, and still managed to find his way to his father’s home in Eureka.

That’s rough – I mean, we’re only one lightning strike away from this being a superhero or super-villain origin story. Steven Boyd was pretty close to becoming The Grizzly Thunderbolt. Isn’t that an awesome fucking hero name? I might start using that to describe myself or the next person I encounter who needs a really stout nickname.

Really, Boyd should be heralded as a war hero here. How do you survive in the woods for THREE WEEKS?!?! No food? No shelter? Oh, you’ve got a dislocated shoulder -AND- you can’t remember shit? Yet, somehow you still manage to crawl your busted ass up to daddy’s house.

But, I’d be willing to bet the judge heard all of this and thought, “no way.” That’s how judges operate these days – they’re real cynics. So, Boyd was forced to admit another nugget of truth: he stepped on a damn hornet’s nest. And, you know what? He’s friggin’ allergic to hornet’s nests. What a damn shame! But, I’d bet it was that memory loss coming into play. He forgot he was allergic to hornets, forgot what a hornet’s nest looks like, and thought it looked like some soft cushion for his foot to rest upon.

Next thing you know, he’s toast.

Boyd said he never sought professional medical treatment for his alleged injuries.

Um, yeah – last I checked, Steven Boyd was a man. It is proven science that men do not need to go to the hospital for things like this that are just mere scrapes and scratches. If you’re a man, you only go to a hospital if you are already at least 80% dead and don’t want to die in the woods or wherever you were injured. Even then, it’s only because you can’t convince the ambulance to take you home.

This is all written out in the Journal of Modern Medicine for Men somewhere. Oh, and if you’re wondering how this case ended up, shocker: the judge didn’t buy any of this shit.

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